Bashing into walls

Today I accepted a friend's request and went to her 5:30 AM spin class at a nearby gym. It was crazy, stupid fun. Before class she showed me tons of toys I've not seen before  - especially the plyometric stuff - including a HUGE black box,  about 3 feet high for doing jumps from the floor on. That tiny annoying voice in my head said, "No way! You can't jump that high!" even as my feet lept from the floor, square into the middle - nailing the landing! I wanted to roar like a lion because I DID IT!

Like I said, stupid, stupid fun.

During class though, I tweaked my right shoulder a bit by being careless when I came up to a standing run. This is a real problem - my right shoulder is my GOOD shoulder and for it to hurt at all is bad, bad, bad.  Then at one point, we transitioned down to a seated climb and I noticed an ache in my back, probably caused by not supporting my core enough and allowing my back to cave in. Again, this is a problem - my back (and core) has always been a strength.

Great, two separate new pains to contend with, in previously strong areas. I finished the class angry.

Externally, I looked fine. Internally, I was bashing into walls - furious with myself. Not because  I'd injured myself, but rather the same ol' refrain of regrets...

 

"Why didn't I start exercising years ago when I was young?"

"Why didn't I discover how fun this was when I had 20 year old knees?"

"Do you realize how much harder all of this is at your age?"

"Why didn't I run and jump and play all along?"

"Why did I wait so long to move?"

"Why? Just why?"

 

 

I had this mental vision of myself in a small room hurling into wall after wall, uncaring about any damage I might be doing, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth until finally I came to a complete stop and sat, slumped over, exhausted in the center.

 

And there, in the stillness,  the author of my life gave me the answer to all the "Whys?"

 

"Because, my dear, your time is now."

 

 

No explanations, no apologies, just that one simple statement, spoken with love and kindness and caring.

 

  I accept.

 

 I kind of have to accept.

 

 

And in that lovely quiet moment,  I had another mental picture of the people I've met on my journey in the last 2 years.  If I had picked up exercising 20 years ago, would I have met them at all? Would our paths have intersected? Would I have hurt myself at some point in my youthful foolishness and now be regretting doing too much?  What would my life be like now and would I like it? There are no answers to those hypothetical questions, and in a way, those questions are useless.

 

My time is now - in my 50's - to exercise and move and play. I give up bashing into walls and asking "why?"  I think I'll just laugh it off and love doing what I do - jumping onto 3 foot high blocks, swinging from hammocks in aerial yoga, nailing burpees, blazing through indoor cycling, and discovering the usefulness of ibuprofen!

 

Because, my time is now. Right now. No more questions, no more fighting, no more bashing into walls. Acceptance.

 

Thoughts to take with me today: It's my life. I can love it or fight it. I think I'll choose to love it and once again, choose joy.

 

My 2013 resolution

The first day of 2012 found me running 

The first day of 2013 found me sitting 

Both represented victories 

My resolution for 2012 was to learn to move.  My resolution for 2013 is to learn to say no.  Therefore, I say no to myself and officially give up.

I give up on fighting with myself about overtraining

I give up on fighting with myself about running

I give up on fighting with myself about rest days

Done, over, finis.

As much as I want to run, to be a runner, just let it cut loose and fly, the hamstrings say no, the knees say no, and even the low back has decided to speak up for no. Okay you guys, I’m listening – can you please shut up?

I figure my heart is one vote and other body parts provide at least three votes – so the heart is overruled on this one. At least for now. Maybe in the Spring after a long spell of two rests every week, we can readdress the running, but for now, the answer is no.

After months of overtraining, I cut back from 12 – 14 workouts a week to around 9

After months of working day after day, I allowed myself a permanent rest day

After only a few weeks of one rest day, apparently I’m a quicker learner so…

I’m building in a second rest day to allow my muscles to truly recover

To be honest, there is some anxiety about this decision, but it is coupled with INTENSE relief that I finally trust myself to do this. 

For the longest time I was afraid to not work out every day. Afraid that one day off would turn into two, then three, and before long, I’d wake up and years would have gone by and there I would be, back on the couch, eating French fries.  But my body was tired, achy, and sore, much more than it should have been.   After months of long spells of no breaks, there was not a major joint that didn’t hurt, and it was time to face facts – I was overworking my body, badly.  With much internal kicking and screaming, I took off Sundays, and discovered that Mondays came with me eager to work out (and no French fries).  Now, I’m going to take off Wednesdays – nothing more strenuous than some gentle yoga – and see what happens. If history repeats itself,  I’m gonna bet I come back roaring on Thursdays with energy and enthusiasm.

To reiterate an earlier post, trust, trust the process. It will be okay. Promise.

Happy 2013  

Just say no to excess (even with exercise).

Thoughts to take with me today: I think this is what yoga looks like in real life, not executing pretty postures, but living the precepts behind them - non-harmfulness, kindness, and contentment - especially to myself.

Practice

Practice

Over the past 18 months, I’ve discovered an inner athlete I didn’t know existed.  Contrary to my entire adult life, now I  LIKE to sweat and I LIKE to work and waking up sore in the morning makes me chuckle more than groan. The inner conversation involves a lot of ‘mock complaining’ as I take inventory of what hurts and compare it to the activities of the day before.

Almost everything I’ve tried was hard the first time. Cardio kickboxing? Oh dear, epic, epic fail. Hated it so much. Felt uncoordinated, awkward, and just plain dumb. After a few more practices, the beauty of the moves came through, the arms and legs figured out the routine, and now I like it – a lot.

Agility drills forced me to jump over planks and cones and while trying to get over the dumb things with my knees drawn to my chest, I also had to think about landing softly. Oh and breathe, yeah, that too. Months later, agility is a favorite.  This week in training, I was somewhat disappointed when the cones didn’t make an appearance.

Never would have thought that would have happened. But when the muscles are strong, previous challenges just look easier.

My first yoga class couldn’t have been worse. The teacher introduced herself as ‘your torturer for the next 75 minutes’ and she was pretty close to the mark.  As with other activities, the first time, I thought everyone else looked marvelous, I felt like a lump. It was months before I tried yoga again. And while I’ll never win any award for gracefulness, that matters so little. What matters is that on my mat, I can breathe and sink into a pose and just love being. Peaceful, accepting, and happy.

What do all of those things have in common? To have any type of command, I had to practice, over and over, until the movements gained some automaticity, until the body grew strong, until I gained confidence and said to myself, “Yes, I CAN do this.”

Now it’s time to practice something else, maybe the most important thing yet. I can practice being happy. Physical muscles can become strong, and I’m betting emotional ones can also. I can practice positive thoughts, controlled reactions, loving prayers. I can practice all of these things until the habits gain some automaticity, until the heart grows strong, until I gain confidence and say, ‘Yes, I CAN do this. ‘

Growing the physical muscles took time, patience, and a steady bridging from one mastered move to the next step of that move. The emotional ones will form the same way. But the key will be consistency. Consistency with writing, breathing, and meditation.  And yoga. I don’t think there is anything I do in my life that yoga does not touch in some way.

But even when the muscles are strong, not everything goes to plan. I stumbled over a jump the other day in training.  No real reason, just a miscalculation. As I self-righted, my trainer remarked, “Do you know how many muscles you just had to use to save that? Good job.” It was the practicing for months that allowed me to correct and stay upright.  Wanna bet the same thing can happen when someone unloads a boat-load of undeserved negativity right in my lap? Or when everything I try goes wrong? That’s when it’s time to reflect on what builds resiliency – just breath, stretch, shake, then let it go. Make a choice.  Choose to step off the roller coaster.

Choose to react with love. Choose joy.

So, there it is. Time to practice positivity; time to practice loving reactions; time to practice being happy. It won’t always be smooth, but let’s see if I can keep from stumbling with new muscles that can also learn how to work.

Thoughts to take with me today: Grow strong; it only takes practice.

Choices

Wednesday’s are generally somewhat darker emotional days for me. I’m physically tired from hard training the day before, generally pretty sore and when I’m that exhausted and hurting, it’s hard to keep a leash on my thoughts. However, that’s not a completely negative thing. When my thoughts go a-wandering, they go places – places that might just need to be explored.

On my way home yesterday, yes, blue funk and all, I started thinking about a friend who recently went back on Lexapro. Lexapro is a great med for anti-depression and anxiety – on me though, it WILL cause weight gain.  Even as it regulates my moods and keeps me a bit more stable, yeah, the weight shoots up quickly.

The thought occurred me: “I wish I didn’t have these ups and downs. I wish I could go back on Lexapro. Yes, I’d gain back some weight, but really, who cares? 20, 25, 30 pounds. Eh. At least I’d enjoy the trip back up.”

Wait....

Where in the hell did my thoughts just go? Who cares?!? Only the most important person in my life – ME! I’d care. I'd care a whole lot! 20 pounds is almost 6 months of work. How could I be so casual about that?

Then the second part of my thought slammed into me, “At least I’d enjoy the trip back up.”  Does that mean I’m not enjoying the trip down? Or does it mean something darker? A thought lurking in the back corner? A secret wish?

Yeah,  I think there's something there actually. A dark place that needs some light before it's allowed to grow.

I'm pushing in on losing 100 pounds. That's a whole lot of weight and a whole lot of work.80 – 95% of people who lose that much weight regain it. Plus some extra.

I get it now.  I totally get it.

A flash of insight hit me right there in my car, while driving down Rte 17. I know how I could regain all of my weight and then some. It could completely happen. One pound at a time.

In a way, it’s easy to be fat, and in some ways, it’s not so bad. Being fat gives me a ready excuse for everything.

Someone doesn’t call me back? It’s my weight.

I don’t get a job I wanted? It’s my weight.

I screw up? It’s my weight.

Every possible bad thing in my life could be pinned to my weight. And when that happens, *I* don’t have to take responsibility for my actions. *I* get to whine and moan and complain, but I don’t have to change.  Now, with the weight down to what is a normal level, anything that I do wrong is on me. Just me. Not my weight, not my size, me. Now I have to change.

That’s hard. Do.Not.Want.

Now I know the truth. If and when I decide to start eating cheeseburgers and French fries and chips and sweets, I will have to admit I do it with full knowledge I am CHOOSING to regain weight. It’s not ‘out of my control’ or ‘my metabolism’ or ‘my genetics.’  Nope. It would be a conscious choice.

I’ve long established that moderation is not my strength – I cannot eat ‘just one’ of most things.  There is no need to pick up the first cheeseburger, the first fry, the first chocolate bar. Because right behind the first will be a second, a third, a fourth, and so on. Probably not right away, but it will come. I know me too well. It will come.

I cannot lose 100 pounds without first losing 5, or 10, or 20.

I cannot regain 100 pounds without first regaining 5, or 10, or 20.

That’s a hard fact of life. But it’s the truth. And truth is better than any platitude, any cliché, any feel-good-ism. The truth is what I need, always.

So that’s the upside of letting my thoughts wander much like a naughty child exploring an abandoned cave. When the parent goes in for a rescue, sometimes, discoveries are made and mysteries are solved.

Thoughts to take with me today: Choices – I choose to be healthy. I choose to eat right. I choose this life. I choose joy.

And this is how my day began

Wake up at 5:27 - this is a problem since my spinning class, the one I'm TEACHING, starts at 5:30
No time for anything, including bathroom, and whatever clothes are on the floor are good enough as I dress running down the stairs
Can't call the gym, don't have the phone number
5 minutes late
Put on wrong playlist
Grab wrong profile
Doesn't matter anyway, since I can't see because I didn't put in contacts
No water
Shirt feels funny, of course it does - it's on backwards, and inside out
So are the shorts
Look down, see that I have on two different shoes and two different socks
Teach class, which actually goes better than it deserved to go
Class ends
Manager on duty yells at me for not calling
Home, door is open, dog and cat are outside
Find dog and cat, in the rain
Shower, makeup, dress (clothes are all oriented correctly this time)
Leave for work and realize I've left my iphone at home
Turn around
Starts to rain again, turn on wipers
iPhone was on the windshield  and I watch it fly into the next lane of traffic
Park car SAFELY
Run out to the middle of the road as cars honk
Grab phone (phone is okay - Otter Box, FTW)
5 minutes late to school
Write about my morning
Look at list of woes
Then sort of laugh
And figure my day can only go up from here

Thought to take with me today: Breathe, stretch, shake, let it go

In which we whisper a word

Had a great workout session yesterday. We did Tabata training, which is hard – 20 seconds of work, 10 seconds of rest – 5 times. The first 2 sessions are pretty easy, then a bit harder, then for the last session, well, let's just say those 20 seconds feel like 20 hours! However, this way of training builds muscles and I do like those muscles!

Also ran on the treadmill. Now that was interesting. For the first time ever, it seemed I wasn’t heavy when I ran. I was light. No idea why such a change from the last time I ran on a treadmill, it’s not as if I’ve lost so much weight since then. But my step was springier, the stride was fluid, my breath was controlled. Dare I say it? It was sort of fun.

Here’s a word to whisper “graceful”   Yeah, it was kind of like that.

That's an interesting concept. One that I've never, ever used to describe myself. 

How cool to know that not everything different is scary. It can be good. It can be freeing. It can be graceful.

How about that?

Thoughts to take with me today: Let the changes come.

Update

So the beginning of the summer I made a resolution to myself.

New month, new plan 

The idea was that I would make the last huge leap of trust in my trainer's advice and eat back my exercise calories, and especially dinner. My mind has been convinced for months that taking in more than 1500 calories a day, even though I work out 1 - 2 hours a day, would cause me to gain a great deal of weight and that all food needed to be consumed no later than 3:30. And if we are all being just real, real honest here - if 1500 calories = weight loss, well then, what would 1200 equal? or 1100? or ...well you get the idea.

Let me stress that I did not read this advice anywhere, nor did anyone tell me to do this. My mind simply created this scenario.  However, someone with way more expertise said differently - over and over.

Experiment with food. Can I do it?  Challenge accepted.

Who was right?

Turns out, she was.

Every day in the month of July, I documented every speck of food/liquid and every minute of exercise, with a particular goal to eat dinner every day. Every morning, I weighed myself and then recorded the weight so that I could see any patterns.

At first, I DID gain a few pounds and honestly, I almost quit right there, but my intentions were set. Besides, part of me did see me taking a detailed chart to her and exclaiming, "See!! I'm UNUSUALLY special!! I told you this would happen!!"

But then, the weight started to come off  - not much - some days an eighth of a pound,  or  a quarter pound, until - from the beginning to the end - 5 pounds down. I haven't lost 5 pounds in a month since February. And this loss came with eating pretty well, dinner every night, calories somewhat dependent on the exercise for the day.

Wow, just wow.

Lessons learned? Well, quite a few actually.

I don't know everything.
Eat - it's okay, it's really, really okay to eat.
Trust those that God has placed into my life
Don't let my mind make up silly rules
Did I mention, I just DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING?

Am I a true believer in the science of eating and weight loss? I'd love to say unequivocally yes, but the stubborn part of me that refuses to let go of old habits and ways of thinking wants to hedge  this experience. But, let's say that the grip has certainly slackened. Give it another month.

And maybe, those old patterns will fade into wry memories.  

Thoughts to take with me today: Eat to be healthy; eat to live; eat to be happy.

Impatience

Losing weight is so hard - losing weight patiently and lovingly and gracefully, is several degrees harder.
In my heart of hearts, I believe that if I decided right now to gain 10 pounds, I could do it in a week, easy. No problems. So why isn't the opposite true? My body hangs onto every ounce of fat, hoarding it as a failsafe for some catastrophic famine. Really, body, it's okay. There's  just not any immediate danger of a lack of food. There was food yesterday, there is food today, trust me, there will be food tomorrow.

It makes me just want to bang my head on the most convenient wall. (Would that count as exercise?)

There is no way I'm alone in this. I read the blogs of other people and I know we all struggle with weight and the ebbs and flows of how our bodies respond to diet and exercise. It's not as simple as the self-help books say. If losing weight were easy, Oprah would weigh 125 pounds - you know she would. Whether you like her or not, her battle with weight has been public and excruciating.

So, what's a dieter to do?

One day at a time

What if I don't have the strength for that?

One pound at a time

Two weeks from now?

One workout session at a time

Pain, fatigue, soreness are all constant companions on that journey - how fun!

All of the adages are 100% true, nothing has changed there. The person that has to change is me. Keep moving, keep believing, keep trusting that the process will pay off dividends.

It's not like I have a ton of other options, because I'm not going back to the old me. It's just that the labor pains birthing the new me are hard.

Thoughts to take with me today: Hold on, just hold on

I got my world seriously rocked....seriously

Yeah, that was sorta the opposite of fun.

Last Thursday, I go into personal training. Now, let's establish up front, I LOVE personal training, and I really like my trainer. She's taken me a pretty long way and there is a good foundation of trust. Secondly, from time to time I have mentioned that I thought doing some cardio kick boxing would be fun.

No, not so much, not so much at all.

 We start with some simple instructions -- jab, cross, hook, upper cut - nothing fancy. Immediately, I sense this is gonna be bad. I can't keep up with the movements, I'm confusing jab for cross, hook for upper cut, and my head is swimming with all the fast movement.

Then we switch to legs - of course I'm nursing yet more injuries - both knees, a hamstring, both shoulders - and everything hurts. And these movements are all catching the worst areas.

Then  I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

Immediately, I'm transported back a year or more to where I refused to look in the mirror because what I saw there didn't match what I thought I looked like.  It literally took her 6 months to get me to even glance at the mirror to check the alignment of my shoulders.

This is bad, really bad.

I look awkward, clumsy, ugly, fat, and stupid.

No

do

not

like

will

not

do.

Seriously, I stopped and looked at her and was on the verge of tears. She was really confused.

"Is there anyone in here judging you?"
"Yeah, me.."
"Why?"
"Because I suck so much at this and I thought I wouldn't."
"You need to learn some humility. You are good at yoga, but you didn't start that way. You can't expect to be good at something right away. It takes time. Besides, you don't really look as bad as you think you do. Stop judging, stop thinking, just do, be in the moment. Where is your head? Be right here."

So easy for you to say. Me? I feel like I've just lost a year's worth of emotional progress in the space of 30 minutes.

We finish with some core work, which allows me to collect myself, and she leaves me to my 'bitchiness' to stretch. Good call, as she is barely out of the door before I'm just done, completely miserable.

``````
Now I have a bit of space and I want to think about what actually happened in that room and what do I learn from it?

So what did happen?

I was pushed completely out of my comfort zone
I've been working too hard, too often, and my body is finally rebelling with multiple injuries, and quite frankly, I hurt all over in places I shouldn't.
I got complacent and in the complacency, I got prideful
I forgot to respect the progress.

Pretty simple actually. And a really good lesson. It's all a progress, it's all a journey, it's all 'one step, one day at a time.'

And although it feels at some level I am giving up, the 'two-a-day' workouts have ended. For at least now. My body needs a rest, a serious reprieve from the constant pounding, a restorative period with more meditation, more yoga, more writing, more breathing, more being.

I've cut back to the bare bones basic cardio and one personal training session a week. And yoga, of course :)  Always yoga.

Let the body heal, think more about the journey, reflect more about what there is still to do, think more about others and less about me.

Then try that cardio kick boxing again, but this time with a gentler and kinder spirit - towards myself - and smile.

Thoughts to take with me today: It's good to look at a mirror, especially if it goes to the soul.

Music

If there is one thing I cannot work out without, it's my music. Love, LOVE, LOVE my tunes. And let me tell you, I'm no music snob. If the song makes my toe tap and my body move, it makes the play list.

This is my current favorite, "Brighter than the Sun" by Cobie Caillet.  Give it a listen. NO ONE can tell me that the great beat track and upbeat words doesn't make them smile. No way...couldn't happen. Go on, listen, I can wait.

Brighter than the Sun

Isn't that fun? Now, imagine you are on the treadmill or elliptical at 5:30 am with that going on in your ears....the legs just start moving and pretty soon, the warm up is over and your whole mood is positive.

And the words...."I found this love, I'm gonna feed it, I'm gonna treat better than anything...." yep, I sure am. Sure am.

It's the little things that add up and make this whole journey fun. Yes, there are times that the serious nature comes through, but oh my, can't we sometimes smile and laugh and just plain have fun? Sure can!

What are the songs that get you going? Hook me in, give me your current favie, who knows, maybe it becomes mine, and gives me that little push to get me going on the that cold, slow morning.


Thought for the day: Find your love, feed it, and treat it better than anything....