Bashing into walls

Today I accepted a friend's request and went to her 5:30 AM spin class at a nearby gym. It was crazy, stupid fun. Before class she showed me tons of toys I've not seen before  - especially the plyometric stuff - including a HUGE black box,  about 3 feet high for doing jumps from the floor on. That tiny annoying voice in my head said, "No way! You can't jump that high!" even as my feet lept from the floor, square into the middle - nailing the landing! I wanted to roar like a lion because I DID IT!

Like I said, stupid, stupid fun.

During class though, I tweaked my right shoulder a bit by being careless when I came up to a standing run. This is a real problem - my right shoulder is my GOOD shoulder and for it to hurt at all is bad, bad, bad.  Then at one point, we transitioned down to a seated climb and I noticed an ache in my back, probably caused by not supporting my core enough and allowing my back to cave in. Again, this is a problem - my back (and core) has always been a strength.

Great, two separate new pains to contend with, in previously strong areas. I finished the class angry.

Externally, I looked fine. Internally, I was bashing into walls - furious with myself. Not because  I'd injured myself, but rather the same ol' refrain of regrets...

 

"Why didn't I start exercising years ago when I was young?"

"Why didn't I discover how fun this was when I had 20 year old knees?"

"Do you realize how much harder all of this is at your age?"

"Why didn't I run and jump and play all along?"

"Why did I wait so long to move?"

"Why? Just why?"

 

 

I had this mental vision of myself in a small room hurling into wall after wall, uncaring about any damage I might be doing, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth until finally I came to a complete stop and sat, slumped over, exhausted in the center.

 

And there, in the stillness,  the author of my life gave me the answer to all the "Whys?"

 

"Because, my dear, your time is now."

 

 

No explanations, no apologies, just that one simple statement, spoken with love and kindness and caring.

 

  I accept.

 

 I kind of have to accept.

 

 

And in that lovely quiet moment,  I had another mental picture of the people I've met on my journey in the last 2 years.  If I had picked up exercising 20 years ago, would I have met them at all? Would our paths have intersected? Would I have hurt myself at some point in my youthful foolishness and now be regretting doing too much?  What would my life be like now and would I like it? There are no answers to those hypothetical questions, and in a way, those questions are useless.

 

My time is now - in my 50's - to exercise and move and play. I give up bashing into walls and asking "why?"  I think I'll just laugh it off and love doing what I do - jumping onto 3 foot high blocks, swinging from hammocks in aerial yoga, nailing burpees, blazing through indoor cycling, and discovering the usefulness of ibuprofen!

 

Because, my time is now. Right now. No more questions, no more fighting, no more bashing into walls. Acceptance.

 

Thoughts to take with me today: It's my life. I can love it or fight it. I think I'll choose to love it and once again, choose joy.