This is the time I refer to as my 'french fry period.' When the highlight of my day revolved around what take-out we would have that night and what shows were on TV. I'm not exaggerating when I say my goal was to be home by 4 pm so I could get in 6-7 solid hours of TV watching. I didn't even want to go out to eat because that took me away from my shows.
I thought she would ask me what caused me to change. I've heard that question before and I have a pretty ready answer. But she didn't. She asked a different question that scared the shit out of me.
Why did those that love you let you do that to yourself?
Damn...Nothing like a friend to go right to the core of the matter and rock your ever-loving world.
So, thinking the answer might be fairly simple, I asked it to those closest to me. The answers hurt more than the question.
"You were either angry or depressed and we didn't want you to get worse."
"It was easier to just let you be."
"Sometimes you would get better and we hoped it would just continue"
"When you ate, you seemed happier."
Why did the question and the answers scare me so? What happens if I...
just give up?
How long before I become the equivalent to some ancient angry volcano demanding food and tribute in exchange for not spreading my wrath? Now that's a scary image.
The saying goes that 'an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Damn straight. That's why I've extracted sincere promises from my closest friends that even the first step down the road of reenacting 'french fry period, part II' will be challenged.
Even if I get angry, even if I get depressed, even if I threaten to break off ties. Going back to that lifestyle would be even worse than the consequences of confrontation.
For my part, I promise to swallow my pride and ask for help when I know I need it. My hope is that eventually, the year long changes turn into life time changes and the risk of back sliding lessens.
Thoughts to take with me today: The best people to surround yourself with are those that care for you enough to make you mad, because even at 50, I don't always know what is best.