Question

So, I'm out with a friend who has only known me for about a year or so. And the subject came around to my weight loss. Although she knew me when I was pretty heavy, I was also in the process of going to the gym on the regular, dieting, losing weight, in other words on a completely different track than I was on two to four years ago.

This is the time I refer to as my 'french fry period.' When the highlight of my day revolved around what take-out we would have that night and what shows were on TV. I'm not exaggerating when I say my goal was to be home by 4 pm so I could get in 6-7 solid hours of TV watching. I didn't even want to go out to eat because that took me away from my shows.

I thought she would ask me what caused me to change. I've heard that question before and I have a pretty ready answer. But she didn't. She asked a different question that scared the shit out of me.

Why did those that love you let you do that to yourself?

Damn...Nothing like a friend to go right to the core of the matter and rock your ever-loving world.

So, thinking the answer might be fairly simple, I asked it to those closest to me. The answers hurt more than the question.

"You were either angry or depressed and we didn't want you to get worse." 

"It was easier to just let you be."

"Sometimes you would get better and we hoped it would just continue"

"When you ate, you seemed happier."

Why did the question and the answers scare me so? What happens if I...

injure myself?

get sick?

just give up?

How long before I become the equivalent to some ancient angry volcano demanding food and tribute in exchange for not spreading my wrath? Now that's a scary image.

The saying goes that 'an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Damn straight. That's why I've extracted sincere promises from my closest friends that even the first step down the road of reenacting 'french fry period, part II' will be challenged. 

Even if I get angry, even if I get depressed, even if I threaten to break off ties. Going back to that lifestyle would be even worse than the consequences of confrontation. 

For my part, I promise to swallow my pride and ask for help when I know I need it. My hope is that eventually, the year long changes turn into life time changes and the risk of back sliding lessens.

I hope.

Thoughts to take with me today: The best people to surround yourself with are those that care for you enough to make you mad, because even at 50, I don't always know what is best.

How to react to good news?

So, I heard the words I've wanted to hear for several years, but didn't think I ever would. My doctor said to me, based on my continuing normal A1C scores...

I am no longer considered a diabetic.

Okay, yeah, great news, but guess what? Nothing changes...I still have to make sure I get enough food in me to match my exercise, I still cannot eat anything I want, whenever I want, I still cannot grab the nearest bottle of Coke and chug it. Nope. Not a thing changes.

And then I started to think.

What if tomorrow the weight loss fairy visited me and dropped that last 25 pounds off my body. What would change? 

Would I stop exercising?  Nope

Would I stop eating right? Nope

Would I grab the nearest bottle of Coke and chug it? Oh hell no.

So what's the big deal then? And that's when another one of life's little truths broke through...

This truly is a life style change, not a diet.

And that my friends, puts a whole new spin on everything. I need to stick with what works and not worry about the short term (even 6 months is short term in the grand scheme of things). 

How about just living the life I have because I love it and everyone I've brought into it?

How about just eating what fuels this wonderful machine?

How about taking a deep breath and stop thinking that 4 ounces of Sweet Frog frozen yogurt will be responsible for an extra 2 pounds on the scale?

Here's a bigger thought, how about giving up that daily weighing? (WOAH, now that's just crazy talk. Not ready for that......yet)

Somehow I think the definitive moment when everything I've written, said, believed, wished, wanted will be when I just sort of forget to weigh myself for several days in a row and kind of shrug at the concern I once had for the daily monitoring.

Will I get there? I think I will....one day.

Thoughts to take with me today: Wishes do come true, but they just might not have the impact we think they will. Maybe every day is a wish come true.

Namaste

Confessions

Spin class - only 4 people there - most of us working on weight issues - in the middle of a recovery period, we start talking.

When you are tired, stressed, anxious, and at your wit's end, stuff gets said.

Yup.....Sure does

I've lost 90 pounds, the most of anyone in that group and the discussion came around to what we think about ourselves.  And out of nowhere I say,

"On my best days, I see myself as weighing at least 50 pounds more than I do now. On my my worst days, I see myself exactly as I was a year ago."

And it was the truth, the truth I didn't know I believed, the truth that stays beneath.

When does this freaking change?

When do I look in the mirror and see me, just as I am now. Not just the flaws, but the good stuff too?

When is my weight not an issue?

When?

Here's the scary part, the part I don't want to think about - what if it doesn't?   What if I never see myself for me, just me?

What then?

There's one little truth that dares to pop up its head to challenge the big bad ego. What if never seeing myself for what I am is a good thing - a thing that keeps me grounded - a thing that keeps me humble.

Would I take that trade?

Maybe

I might

Thoughts to take with me: It's okay to question, it's okay to wobble, it's okay to fall down. Just get up.

Eating to live or living to eat?

Food

Oh my what a love/hate relationship I have with food. There are times I wish that 'human kibble' existed and I could just eat so many chunks a day and be done with my nutritional requirements.

Of course, those times are interspersed with longing thoughts of the new Sweet Frog that opened within walking distance of my house. (If you have never experience Sweet Frog frozen yogurt, let me just describe it as angels in feathered slippers dancing on your tongue. 'nuff said) I spend way too much time cutting deals with myself so that I can fit another 4- 6 ounces of Sweet Frog into my daily routine.  30 more minutes on the elliptical, cutting 100 calories from lunch, walking during lunch, an extra set of reps, all to justify that cup of frozen deliciousness.

So why all the thinking and planning? I'm starting to wonder if this is the wrong approach. It has to be if I'm spending this much time thinking about it. Maybe, I should be like normal people and just go get some if and when I want it rather than spending all day building it up in my mind. Maybe my problem isn't that I'm eating the wrong foods, but have the wrong attitude towards the ones I do eat. Maybe I should just eat to live.

Of course the problem I see with that whole 'eating to live' philosophy is that I don't have enough confidence in myself to eat just a bit and I'm deeply afraid of gaining back any of the weight I've worked so hard to lose.

I just can't go there.

So I make deals to get the foods I want.

Which probably builds up food way bigger in my mind than it should be

So I fret about food.

Which definitely builds up food way bigger in my mind that it should be

So I get anxious about food

Which makes me gain weight

Nice cycle

Time to figure out how to break the cycle and just be normal. That's going to take some thought. Maybe some Sweet Frog will help me work out that problem. Topped with strawberries and bananas.

Thoughts to take with me today: Relax and don't make food issues bigger than they already are - so easy to say; so hard to do.