Yeah, that was sorta the opposite of fun.
Last Thursday, I go into personal training. Now, let's establish up front, I LOVE personal training, and I really like my trainer. She's taken me a pretty long way and there is a good foundation of trust. Secondly, from time to time I have mentioned that I thought doing some cardio kick boxing would be fun.
No, not so much, not so much at all.
We start with some simple instructions -- jab, cross, hook, upper cut - nothing fancy. Immediately, I sense this is gonna be bad. I can't keep up with the movements, I'm confusing jab for cross, hook for upper cut, and my head is swimming with all the fast movement.
Then we switch to legs - of course I'm nursing yet more injuries - both knees, a hamstring, both shoulders - and everything hurts. And these movements are all catching the worst areas.
Then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
Immediately, I'm transported back a year or more to where I refused to look in the mirror because what I saw there didn't match what I thought I looked like. It literally took her 6 months to get me to even glance at the mirror to check the alignment of my shoulders.
This is bad, really bad.
I look awkward, clumsy, ugly, fat, and stupid.
Seriously, I stopped and looked at her and was on the verge of tears. She was really confused.
"Is there anyone in here judging you?"
"Because I suck so much at this and I thought I wouldn't."
"You need to learn some humility. You are good at yoga, but you didn't start that way. You can't expect to be good at something right away. It takes time. Besides, you don't really look as bad as you think you do. Stop judging, stop thinking, just do, be in the moment. Where is your head? Be right here."
So easy for you to say. Me? I feel like I've just lost a year's worth of emotional progress in the space of 30 minutes.
We finish with some core work, which allows me to collect myself, and she leaves me to my 'bitchiness' to stretch. Good call, as she is barely out of the door before I'm just done, completely miserable.
Now I have a bit of space and I want to think about what actually happened in that room and what do I learn from it?
So what did happen?
I was pushed completely out of my comfort zone
I've been working too hard, too often, and my body is finally rebelling with multiple injuries, and quite frankly, I hurt all over in places I shouldn't.
I got complacent and in the complacency, I got prideful
I forgot to respect the progress.
Pretty simple actually. And a really good lesson. It's all a progress, it's all a journey, it's all 'one step, one day at a time.'
And although it feels at some level I am giving up, the 'two-a-day' workouts have ended. For at least now. My body needs a rest, a serious reprieve from the constant pounding, a restorative period with more meditation, more yoga, more writing, more breathing, more being.
I've cut back to the bare bones basic cardio and one personal training session a week. And yoga, of course :) Always yoga.
Let the body heal, think more about the journey, reflect more about what there is still to do, think more about others and less about me.
Then try that cardio kick boxing again, but this time with a gentler and kinder spirit - towards myself - and smile.
Thoughts to take with me today: It's good to look at a mirror, especially if it goes to the soul.