Wednesday, April 11, 2012

I got my world seriously rocked....seriously

Yeah, that was sorta the opposite of fun.

Last Thursday, I go into personal training. Now, let's establish up front, I LOVE personal training, and I really like my trainer. She's taken me a pretty long way and there is a good foundation of trust. Secondly, from time to time I have mentioned that I thought doing some cardio kick boxing would be fun.

No, not so much, not so much at all.

We start with some simple instructions -- jab, cross, hook, upper cut - nothing fancy. Immediately, I sense this is gonna be bad. I can't keep up with the movements, I'm confusing jab for cross, hook for upper cut, and my head is swimming with all the fast movement.

Then we switch to legs - of course I'm nursing yet more injuries - both knees, a hamstring, both shoulders - and everything hurts. And these movements are all catching the worst areas.

Then  I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

Immediately, I'm transported back a year or more to where I refused to look in the mirror because what I saw there didn't match what I thought I looked like.  It literally took her 6 months to get me to even glance at the mirror to check the alignment of my shoulders.

This is bad, really bad.

I look awkward, clumsy, ugly, fat, and stupid.








Seriously, I stopped and looked at her and was on the verge of tears. She was really confused.

"Is there anyone in here judging you?"
"Yeah, me.."
"Because I suck so much at this and I thought I wouldn't."
"You need to learn some humility. You are good at yoga, but you didn't start that way. You can't expect to be good at something right away. It takes time. Besides, you don't really look as bad as you think you do. Stop judging, stop thinking, just do, be in the moment. Where is your head? Be right here."

So easy for you to say. Me? I feel like I've just lost a year's worth of emotional progress in the space of 30 minutes.

We finish with some core work, which allows me to collect myself, and she leaves me to my 'bitchiness' to stretch. Good call, as she is barely out of the door before I'm just done, completely miserable.

Now I have a bit of space and I want to think about what actually happened in that room and what do I learn from it?

So what did happen?

I was pushed completely out of my comfort zone
I've been working too hard, too often, and my body is finally rebelling with multiple injuries, and quite frankly, I hurt all over in places I shouldn't.
I got complacent and in the complacency, I got prideful
I forgot to respect the progress.

Pretty simple actually. And a really good lesson. It's all a progress, it's all a journey, it's all 'one step, one day at a time.'

And although it feels at some level I am giving up, the 'two-a-day' workouts have ended. For at least now. My body needs a rest, a serious reprieve from the constant pounding, a restorative period with more meditation, more yoga, more writing, more breathing, more being.

I've cut back to the bare bones basic cardio and one personal training session a week. And yoga, of course :)  Always yoga.

Let the body heal, think more about the journey, reflect more about what there is still to do, think more about others and less about me.

Then try that cardio kick boxing again, but this time with a gentler and kinder spirit - towards myself - and smile.

Thoughts to take with me today: It's good to look at a mirror, especially if it goes to the soul.


  1. Our insecurities can be a major stumbling block but we have to work through them if we want to grow and become. Your trainer is right. I am sure she has worked with many others who have felt the same way. When you come out on the other side and can look back on this, you will be so glad you didn't let it beat you. Go for it.

    1. But what if you thought you had worked through those insecurities? And then you find you hadn't? It's that realization that hit me so hard.

      Still, you are right, come out on the other side stronger.

    2. It's a good thing if those insecurities are still there and you found out you still had a little more work to do. We cannot beat them for good if we don't face them even if it means dealing with them again. Those insecurities will hold you back so it's a good thing you tried this new activity because now you have the opportunity to really overcome it and will better prepared for the next thing you want to try. It's all good.

  2. I am so thankful that other people don't judge me as harshly as I judge myself, or else I would probably never leave the house. Great insights. Once again...could have been written by me; at the moment, nursing two achy knees and some wounded pride....

    1. I have a really good friend who tells those she loves "May you see yourself as I see you." I love that, because I know she sees me with kindness.

  3. Thanks so much for sharing! You're not alone in those thoughts-and simply knowing I'm not the only one who feels that way helps soooo much. Take care of yourself friend-enjoy the peace that will come from from your re-focusing.
    Kara Lea

    1. You are on your own journey too! It takes some braveness to say what is going on in your life and I appreciate YOUR honesty whenever I visit your blog.

      Stay strong girl!

  4. It sounds like you learned a lot about yourself this week.

    I have the opposite problem. :-) I think I look fantastic in the mirror and then I see a picture of myself and wonder "What was I thinking?"

    1. That's why I avoided mirrors and cameras for 30 years.

      Being able to look at a picture now is a gift