Food

I didn't get to 258 pounds by having a healthy relationship with food.

Go figure

Two years ago, my typical evening meal was a cheeseburger with french fries. If I was feeling especially healthy, it would be a salad. With cheese. And bacon. Topped with high-fat dressing. And fried onion strips.

Looking back, the cheeseburger may have actually been better.

Then, I started on a weight loss journey and at the age of 49, I had to re-learn how to eat a balanced diet - no tricks, no gimmicks. Back to the basics with of the four food groups. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, two snacks.

Boring, I know. None of the 'wow' factor of so many of the fads out there.

Not satisfied with the basics, I decided to get creative. What if I pushed all of my meals into the front of the day? What about cutting calories down to 1400? and if 1400 is good, why not 1200? or 1000? or 700? Maybe just fast for a day or two? Or, decide that certain foods are okay to eat and eat only those. Then, start taking things off that list, until the number of safe foods dwindles down to 7 - and 2 of those are looking iffy.

Oh,  yeah, totally don't worry about that diabetes issue.

That whole experience didn't work out so well. The over-thinking, the constant analysis, and second guessing may have created the beginnings of an eating disorder.

Something snapped into place in the beginning of the summer. I realized I'd gone pretty far from the advice of every expert out there, and started adding back foods and calories. Slowly, incrementally, mindfully. Even though a part of my mind screamed "NO! you will gain back weight!! DON'T DO IT!" I took a leap of faith and added until now, my diet is fairly normal, and my attitude towards food healthy.

Or so I thought. Until this week.

A grown woman should not be standing in a quiet corner trying to get control of her breathing when in an unfamiliar restaurant because she is overwhelmed with too many choices.

Yep, nearly full blown anxiety/panic attack because I couldn't decide what to eat. The prevailing thought was, "What was safe?"

The 'beginnings' of an eating disorder? Really? The beginning?

Oh wow. This is hard. Hard to eat right, hard to remember the basics, hard to make good choices one after another, hard to let myself live and not let the thoughts of food take over my life.

I completely understand why people lose a lot of weight, then regain it. It's the mind games. It's the thinking that the ways that got us here were temporary, and not accepting that the entire process is a journey, not a race. Accepting that eating healthy is the new normal. Accepting that there is just no need to look at the pizza, fries, blue cheese dressing, because those things are only healthy in moderation, and if you get to 250+ pounds, moderation is not a strength.

But hard is not a reason to stop. It is, however, a HUGE reminder to respect the progress already made and to take a deep breath when things get a little tense, and let the mind relax into what it knows is right.

The basics == good stuff.

Thoughts to take with me today: The words from one of my favorite songs..."Breathe, stretch, shake, let it go."

Update

So the beginning of the summer I made a resolution to myself.

New month, new plan 

The idea was that I would make the last huge leap of trust in my trainer's advice and eat back my exercise calories, and especially dinner. My mind has been convinced for months that taking in more than 1500 calories a day, even though I work out 1 - 2 hours a day, would cause me to gain a great deal of weight and that all food needed to be consumed no later than 3:30. And if we are all being just real, real honest here - if 1500 calories = weight loss, well then, what would 1200 equal? or 1100? or ...well you get the idea.

Let me stress that I did not read this advice anywhere, nor did anyone tell me to do this. My mind simply created this scenario.  However, someone with way more expertise said differently - over and over.

Experiment with food. Can I do it?  Challenge accepted.

Who was right?

Turns out, she was.

Every day in the month of July, I documented every speck of food/liquid and every minute of exercise, with a particular goal to eat dinner every day. Every morning, I weighed myself and then recorded the weight so that I could see any patterns.

At first, I DID gain a few pounds and honestly, I almost quit right there, but my intentions were set. Besides, part of me did see me taking a detailed chart to her and exclaiming, "See!! I'm UNUSUALLY special!! I told you this would happen!!"

But then, the weight started to come off  - not much - some days an eighth of a pound,  or  a quarter pound, until - from the beginning to the end - 5 pounds down. I haven't lost 5 pounds in a month since February. And this loss came with eating pretty well, dinner every night, calories somewhat dependent on the exercise for the day.

Wow, just wow.

Lessons learned? Well, quite a few actually.

I don't know everything.
Eat - it's okay, it's really, really okay to eat.
Trust those that God has placed into my life
Don't let my mind make up silly rules
Did I mention, I just DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING?

Am I a true believer in the science of eating and weight loss? I'd love to say unequivocally yes, but the stubborn part of me that refuses to let go of old habits and ways of thinking wants to hedge  this experience. But, let's say that the grip has certainly slackened. Give it another month.

And maybe, those old patterns will fade into wry memories.  

Thoughts to take with me today: Eat to be healthy; eat to live; eat to be happy.

New month, new plan

And we cycle back to the idea of food....

My exercise is pretty much under control, I have several things I do that I genuinely like and would miss if I didn't do them. Not to mention, there have been a couple of activities I've added for fun that I'm pretty happy about. But if I am honest with myself, my food is still an issue. I still don’t want to eat at night, still nervous about gaining any kind of weight from eating past three o’clock or so, still looking at food as something inherently bad.

Seems to me, the only way to do this is to face the demon head on.

So my goal this month is to eat a balanced diet of about 1700 calories or so a day, exercise, EAT dinner(!), and weigh every day so that I can prove to myself that my body will adjust and thrive this way.

I’m setting my intention that I can do this, and that I will be successful at getting over the last big hurdle of health – the ability to live my life not afraid of food and what it can do to me, but rather accepting that food has to be part of my life and I need to make peace with it.

That’s my goal - to be normal, or at least as close to normal as I can be.

I'm going out on a limb here  - the limb of trust that my trainer has been trying to beat into my head for months. I can eat and not be afraid. It's a big deal.

30 days...I'll keep track for 30 days and see how it goes.

Thoughts to take with me today: Food is not a friend or an enemy; food is fuel for everything the body is asked to do. Accept that.

How to react to good news?

So, I heard the words I've wanted to hear for several years, but didn't think I ever would. My doctor said to me, based on my continuing normal A1C scores...

I am no longer considered a diabetic.

Okay, yeah, great news, but guess what? Nothing changes...I still have to make sure I get enough food in me to match my exercise, I still cannot eat anything I want, whenever I want, I still cannot grab the nearest bottle of Coke and chug it. Nope. Not a thing changes.

And then I started to think.

What if tomorrow the weight loss fairy visited me and dropped that last 25 pounds off my body. What would change? 

Would I stop exercising?  Nope

Would I stop eating right? Nope

Would I grab the nearest bottle of Coke and chug it? Oh hell no.

So what's the big deal then? And that's when another one of life's little truths broke through...

This truly is a life style change, not a diet.

And that my friends, puts a whole new spin on everything. I need to stick with what works and not worry about the short term (even 6 months is short term in the grand scheme of things). 

How about just living the life I have because I love it and everyone I've brought into it?

How about just eating what fuels this wonderful machine?

How about taking a deep breath and stop thinking that 4 ounces of Sweet Frog frozen yogurt will be responsible for an extra 2 pounds on the scale?

Here's a bigger thought, how about giving up that daily weighing? (WOAH, now that's just crazy talk. Not ready for that......yet)

Somehow I think the definitive moment when everything I've written, said, believed, wished, wanted will be when I just sort of forget to weigh myself for several days in a row and kind of shrug at the concern I once had for the daily monitoring.

Will I get there? I think I will....one day.

Thoughts to take with me today: Wishes do come true, but they just might not have the impact we think they will. Maybe every day is a wish come true.

Namaste

Eating to live or living to eat?

Food

Oh my what a love/hate relationship I have with food. There are times I wish that 'human kibble' existed and I could just eat so many chunks a day and be done with my nutritional requirements.

Of course, those times are interspersed with longing thoughts of the new Sweet Frog that opened within walking distance of my house. (If you have never experience Sweet Frog frozen yogurt, let me just describe it as angels in feathered slippers dancing on your tongue. 'nuff said) I spend way too much time cutting deals with myself so that I can fit another 4- 6 ounces of Sweet Frog into my daily routine.  30 more minutes on the elliptical, cutting 100 calories from lunch, walking during lunch, an extra set of reps, all to justify that cup of frozen deliciousness.

So why all the thinking and planning? I'm starting to wonder if this is the wrong approach. It has to be if I'm spending this much time thinking about it. Maybe, I should be like normal people and just go get some if and when I want it rather than spending all day building it up in my mind. Maybe my problem isn't that I'm eating the wrong foods, but have the wrong attitude towards the ones I do eat. Maybe I should just eat to live.

Of course the problem I see with that whole 'eating to live' philosophy is that I don't have enough confidence in myself to eat just a bit and I'm deeply afraid of gaining back any of the weight I've worked so hard to lose.

I just can't go there.

So I make deals to get the foods I want.

Which probably builds up food way bigger in my mind than it should be

So I fret about food.

Which definitely builds up food way bigger in my mind that it should be

So I get anxious about food

Which makes me gain weight

Nice cycle

Time to figure out how to break the cycle and just be normal. That's going to take some thought. Maybe some Sweet Frog will help me work out that problem. Topped with strawberries and bananas.

Thoughts to take with me today: Relax and don't make food issues bigger than they already are - so easy to say; so hard to do.

Collaterial damage

About a month ago, I hurt my right hip. I jumped up a bit too quickly in a class and IMMEDIATELY knew I'd done 'something' bad. Pain - yes, it's called a clue.

So I've been sort of nursing it a bit, the cutting back on the cardio helped, a bit gentler in yoga and more stretching, that sort of thing. But it's just not improving; in fact the pain has sort of moved around to the front hip flexor, down the leg to behind the knee, some general numbness, and shooting pains.

Fun stuff!!

Finally, I figure it's just time to have it looked at. The doctor moved it around, looked at the spine, watched me walk, asked a whole bunch of questions, and sent me for x-rays.  He suspects the problem is lumbar spinal stenosis, which is a thickening of the spinal cord in the lumbar region.

Since I'm pretty big into the 'whys' of my life, of course I ask that question.  "Why?" Most of the reasons have never happened to me - no degenerative condition, no genetic predisposition, no previous back injury. Nope, I got none of those.

Except.

There is one possible cause.

Excess weight.

It appears when there is excess weight the spine (along with other bones) will thicken to carry the load and in the process the channel where the cord sits can get just a scooch smaller, causing pain, numbness, burning,  and yeah, pretty much what I have.

Collateral damage

Of course, the next set of questions switch from 'why' to 'what' as in 'what do I do now?'

Lose weight --- check
Cardio and strength to develop the muscles -- check
yoga and/or stretching -- check

Doing all of those things already. Good deal - continue

At first, I was annoyed for letting myself gain all that weight. That annoyance lasted about 6 hours. Then I went to being relieved I did something before things got too bad.

The funny thing is, I remember thinking last spring when I decided to start losing weight that I had to do this NOW, not at the beginning of the year, not in 6 months, not in 6 days...but NOW. Time felt short and I felt I was quickly, very quickly running out of options. I remember this frantic, urgent feeling pushing me to keep watching my diet, even when the weight loss moved at a glacial pace. Keep moving even though I was bone tired. Try a new class, a new exercise, push out of the comfort zone, please, oh please do it, but most of all, just don't give up, even when it wasn't fun. Believe your body can change, and it well.

Could that have been my 'inner teacher' we talk about in yoga?  The voice of wisdom? Since it led me to do the right thing, I'm comfortable thinking it most likely it was. And I'm so very grateful I listened and acted. If this pain is as bad as it gets, I can handle it just fine. Not only that, it'll be just another reminder of why I can't be one of the 90% that regains the weight lost. I just cannot do that again. My body may not handle another round of yo-yo dieting.

Bitter? nah, I just won't go there. It would just take too much energy that is better spent else where.

But how about some Naproxen Sodium? Yes, please! With a Tylenol chaser! Even more better!

And most of all, smile. It's gonna be okay. Promise.


Thoughts to take with me today: Lovely deep breaths, long stretches, smiling with my heart, once again, I choose joy and all the good that comes with it.

It's Monday!

I don't know about you all, but Monday's to me have always been a very optimistic day. It's the first day of a brand new week, with all the possibilites of good ahead. What may happen? Don't know, but it's a clean slate. All the mistakes from last week are solidly in the past. This week leans forward with happiness.

Woke up this morning and weighed a bit heavier than this time last week. Up a pound. :(  Yes, that is a bit annoying but on the plus side, my daughter is home from college, I had a great time with friends yesterday, and all my major joints feel pretty good. Weigh the good with the bad, look at the scale of life, and decide which side deserves the focus. Yeah....choose joy - again and again.

Only love, only joy, only kindness - say it over and over again - until you believe every syllable, and remember, those are emotions you deserve to feel towards yourself. We are all lovely.

So, smile at a friend and see your beauty reflected back to you in their eyes. It's there, just look. And let that emotion fill your heart.




Thoughts to take with me today: There is nothing wrong with right now. Right now is only gorgeous. Namaste.

Research about weight loss

With my weight loss journey about 70% complete, I'm starting to look ahead to what comes next. I know it's a bit early, but I'm a planner and a thinker....

I just finished reading an article from the NY Times about  long term maintenance of weight loss .The news is not encouraging, except from the stand point that all knowledge is power.

Here's a quick excerpt...

In the study, Joseph Proietto and his colleagues at the University of Melbourne  (go Aussies!)recruited people who weighed an average of 209 pounds. At the start of the study, his team measured the participants’ hormone levels and assessed their hunger and appetites after they ate a boiled egg, toast, margarine, orange juice and crackers for breakfast. The dieters then spent 10 weeks on a very low calorie regimen of 500 to 550 calories day intended to makes them lose 10 percent of their body weight. In fact, their weight loss averaged 14 percent, or 29 pounds. As expected, their hormone levels changed in a way that increased their appetites, and indeed they were hungrier than when they started the study.

They were then given diets intended to maintain their weight loss. A year after the subjects had lost the weight, the researchers repeated their measurements. The subjects were gaining the weight back despite the maintenance diet — on average, gaining back half of what they had lost — and the hormone levels offered a possible explanation. "


So, even after a year of being on a controlled maintenance diet. they still regained weight.

Oh dear...

When the hormone leptin is low, the brain turns into the stereotypical Jewish mother, "Eat, eat, you are nothing but skin and bones..." Leptin works hand in hand with ghrelin which then increases hunger, making the dieter much more susceptible to that little voice pushing food. These  hormones all go into a negative way when we diet, and even after a year of returning to a normal diet, they are still not where there were before the weight loss.

The author of the study offers these so not encouraging words, "...losing weight is not a neutral event, and that it is no accident that more than 90 percent of people who lose a lot of weight gain it back. You are putting your body into a circumstance it will resist. You are, in a sense, more metabolically normal when you are at a higher body weight.”

If I'm reading this right, and I think I am, that means when I hit my target weight of 141, I will have to eat less than someone who has always been at 141. All those charts about how much I should eat when I weigh 141 are for 'normal' people. For me, they are inaccurate and will lead me to gain back weight.

And the hits just keep on coming....

All this goes back to support the idea that a diet is NOT a diet, it's a life change. And as my fellow blogger Jaki said in a post this morning, I too, "am addicted to food." I have to treat food the rest of my life as an other addict would, except, it's even a bit worse. An alcoholic can live without alcohol, a smoker can live cigs, but a food addict cannot live without food. We have to eat, we have to face our addiction every day, and at times, every hour. The amount of control needed is herculean and we cannot underestimate the struggle, ever.

I wish the news was better.

I wish the fight was easier.

I wish the weight would just stay off.

But truth is better than wishes. I have the knowledge and that empowers me to a grand level. It is not the size of the dog in the fight that counts, it's the size of the fight in the dog. I am strong and when I am weak, I will freely borrow from those willing to give, and then give back as I am able.

To all my blogger friends on the same path, I pass on good thoughts of continued strength and 'slim-mindedness.' (Thanks Myra)

Thoughts to take with me today: And it's still just a perfect day! Truly...

In which I think my thinks...

I woke up thinking today. Kind of wanted to stay in bed with my thinks too because I came to some interesting conclusions.

My journey started 8 months ago and along the way, I’ve learned some stuff that might be important - at least to me.

·       I am beautiful at 175. But, I was beautiful at 258, I just didn’t know it because the mirror I was using was distorted. There was never anything wrong with me.

·       I’m not 25, I’m 50, which has the advantages of experience and perspective. When I’m 75, I’ll be even a bit better than now.  Being old is not a number, it’s a state of mind. You can be ‘old’ at 20 and ‘young’ at 80.

·       My body is an amazing thing. It moves, hugs, lifts, touches, runs, caresses, and brought two wonderful girls into the world. This body deserves love and respect and, at proper intervals, rest.

·       There is no problem so deep that I cannot pray about it. And once I’ve put that prayer into motion, I can trust that someone who loves me more than I can comprehend will see the situation to the best possible conclusion. The conclusion may not be what I want, but I have to trust it will be what I need.

·       Weight is just one measure of healthiness and it doesn’t even address the spiritual or emotional state. Keep the number in perspective and don’t let the goal of a number run the entire show.

·       Food is not an enemy, but nor is it a friend. It is just food, potential fuel to keep the body healthy and active.

·       Before you listen to anyone else, listen to your inner teacher. That still, small voice will guide you better than any human or any book.

·       This moment, the one I’m in right now, is the only thing that matters. Whatever I’m doing right now deserves my attention and acceptance. Just be.

Thoughts to take with me today: Only love, only joy, only kindness.

I thought....

***This is not a feel good post about how much I love yoga and my life. If that is what you are looking for, you might want to move on. This post is a bit more raw than usual. You've been warned, just sayin.' Don't bother judging me, I have that all taken care of.***

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I thought when I lost weight all my problems would go away – no really, don’t laugh,  I honestly thought that as the scale went lower and lower, the clouds would gradually part, a beam of light would envelope my body, and a chorus of angels would sing at my very presence. I would walk on fields of lilacs and be surrounded by peace, love, and joy.

Stop laughing

A year ago, my focus was on my weight, every problem that I had I traced back to that number on the scale.

Unhappy with myself? It’s because I was fat.

Frustrated that I don't think I have friends? It’s because I was fat.

Angry at myself? It’s because I was fat.

Thinking that everyone else in the world is better than I am? It's because I was fat.

Guess what, I’m not fat any more, and I still have problems.  How much does that suck? Well, a lot quite frankly. In a way, I was sort of happier a year ago because I could trace (or so I thought) all my problems to a common element – my weight.

Why am I so unsure of myself? I feel deeply inadequate in almost every way to nearly everyone in my life. Everyone is prettier, brighter, funnier, more important than I am.  It's obvious there are a whole lot of left over issues that were covered by the weight. I get that. But now, I'm just sort of stuck in this limbo land with the body of the present but the mind of the past.

It goes without saying this is a self esteem/self image issue. So maybe, its time for a gut check and another question…what do I like about myself that I wouldn’t change for a million dollars?  I mean really, really like. 

List 'em … go …

My eyes. I love their color and I love how they can change depending on what I’m wearing. 

My hair. There’s not much about my hair I don’t like. I like the texture of it, the curl when I choose to wear it curly or how smooth it gets with the flat iron. 

My stubbornness.  I love the fact that I can sink my teeth into an issue and just hold on for dear life. Now I don’t do it all the time, and am pretty choosy as to what it is that I do this with, but when I’m determined, the bull dog is there. And this quality has been vital on this journey.

My ability to express myself. I think I almost take this for granted, because I get way frustrated when the words won't come, but really, yes I love the fact that I can say what I mean and/or write what I mean clearly with a strong vocabulary.

My ability to self-examine.  Socrates said that the unexamined life is not worth living.  Well, I guess my life is worth living then because I do examine it, daily, sometimes almost obsessively.  I’m never satisfied with how I am right now; I want to improve and really, that’s sort of a gift. How many people are happy with going through the motions of life and only thinking about the next party, the next thing to own, the next event to attend?  How many women at 49 would embark on a life-changing journey starting with losing 80 pounds, exercising, dieting, then seeing a therapist, a trainer, taking up yoga, writing, and pretty much tossing their whole life into turmoil, just to finally deal with issues that have been sleeping, resting, percolating their whole lives? 

Honestly, wouldn’t it have just been easier to take the damn pills, sit on the couch, and watch TV? 

Sure it would have been. But I DIDN’T MAKE THAT CHOICE and there has to be respect and deep love for that decision.

My bravery.  Maybe this is what I admire most of all, and it’s related to the point above.

 I…AM…BRAVE.

The process I’m involved in has been public, obvious, and without cover. I’ve admitted my old weight, current weight, and planned weight so many times, there is no embarrassment any more, no secrets, no hiding. I am me – at 178 pounds, like it, don’t like it, it’s still me. There are probably people who read that number and think "fat."  There are probably people who think I should keep some of this shit to myself. I shut my mouth my entire adult life, no more. Don't like it? Walk away. It's time for me to figure out what makes me tick and how to be happy for the next 50 years. If this transition is too hard, then don't hang around and watch the process. Don't really blame you either, wish I could check out sometimes.

When the rubber meets the road, the truth is, I did and am doing ‘it.’ I’m revealing the person hidden by the weight - shedding the pounds and the artifice all at one time. The process is not without bumps in the road and not without struggle, but the process pushes forward. At times it is stunningly hard; at times I am deeply embarrassed about my missteps; at times I wish the end were closer. No matter what, I’m grateful for every lesson learned.

Thoughts to take with me today: Little by little, I am becoming. I am being. I am lovely.

Practicing yoga

This is not a happy day in my body, not a happy day at all.

Let's rewind...I've mentioned my personal trainer before, she has taken me so far down this path with excellent advice. To my credit, I listen and follow her advice about 95% of the time. It's that 5% deviation that gets me in trouble...and that deviation would explain the litany of pain I'm in today.

There is a yoga move that I badly, oh so badly, want to conquer. I dream about this move -- really, really. As in some mornings I wake up smiling believing that I did this move in my sleep and today, I'll be able to do it in class or in my home practice.   This asana is yoga to me. It represents everything I feel I am not - poised, calm, steady, controlled...just perfection.

Meet my nemesis

Salamba Sirsasana

Oh...you taunt me so....

Of course, there are prep moves to work towards this asana - no one just goes into it, and yes, I've been diligently practicing...this is where I am now

I'm totally able to do step 3 and step 4. Can get my knees up right there and hold them like a champ. 

Remember my trainer? Okay, her advice is with everything (not just yoga) is to,  

"BE HAPPY WHERE YOU ARE! DON'T PUSH YOURSELF FURTHER THAN YOU ARE TRULY READY TO GO."  

Remember that 5% where I do not follow her advice?  Yeah, it comes in here.

It is so maddening to have my knees up, tucked, and know that the asana is right there.  One leg pushes up, but when the second leg tries to meet it, the core strength gets overwhelmed and **BAM** down, with zero control over how the crash happens. So far I've hurt both wrists, two fingers, upper back, mid back, and a knee. 

(Yes, there is also an option to do this up against a wall....that's so cute...)

Today I'm home hurting - everything freaking aches, especially my back. Several massive crashes this weekend working on this asana, and every time I pushed it further than I should have. 

Total yoga fail

in every possible way.

All kidding aside though, this move really illustrates my problem with, well, life. I cannot seem to be happy where I am at this moment -- the limits must be pushed at all times, consequences be damned. 75 minutes of cardio a day?  Add another 60 minutes spin class.  2 mile run? Why not 3? Lose 5 pounds in a month? Try for 10 next time. 

How's that working out for me? Not so good actually, thanks for asking, as I look at the clock to figure if I can take more ibuprofen yet. 

The problem is that I can never just stop, breathe, and be happy where I am RIGHT NOW.

Yoga is life in so many ways. The calm, poise, control that I seek in this asana is never going to come until those qualities start to seep over from my day to day life. Those qualities are not found on the gym floor, or the treadmill, but in the quietness of meditation, reading, and living out what I study amidst a sea of change and challenges.  It's never going to come until I accept reasonable limits to everything and stop letting the ego take over my body and my life. 

Oh, I can probably bully my way into this asana at some point, but it won't feel the way I want it to; I'll know how I got there, and it'll feel like a cheat. Then the internal issues will just continue on and on and on.

So my next challenge? Hold the 'bent knee' part of the headstand for 30 seconds, breathe in and out with control, then let the knees drop.  Then with a smile and an open heart, thank my body for all the hard work and my inner teacher for the patience and instruction.

That is what practicing yoga looks like

Thoughts to take with me today:  Sometimes I think losing the weight is the easy part of this journey. 

Isvira-Pranidhana

New weight finally! Yep, at 180 now – which is ah-maz-ing!  Getting closer to my goal!

But what is my REAL weight loss goal? The one I kind of dream about, but don't talk about. And is it realistic?

I can so dream sometimes......

So, we did the Tanita last night and the numbers were stunning, not just the weight, but the body fat. According to the scale I have only 54 pounds of fat on my body – which is about 30% of my total body weight. This is a loss of almost 60 pounds of fat.  This ratio puts me at the upper end of ‘average’ for my age and weight. No longer in the ‘obese’ range, which is a big deal. I’m average. Just average.

I like being average!

Then the other shoe dropped. I have 126 pounds of non-fat mass on my frame. 126 pounds of muscle/bones/organs and 54 pounds of fat. What was my 'secret wish'? To weigh 120.  But last night, the realization set in, that to weigh 120 (and have a shred of healthiness) I would have to lose 23  pounds of muscle along with 37 pounds of fat. Or a few body parts. Or a whole LOT of body parts.

Was I okay with this new fact? No, I was not okay. Not even a little.  I wanted to cry, complain, argue, moan, or any other thing that might get me my way. To my credit, instead of all that, I kind of sat back, breathed a bit, and just told myself, "it'll be fine, relax, don't get in the car to go get ice cream, you've gotten beyond that." 

But I can mope, moping I can do!

But then, it comes time for my reading and meditation. My new favorite yoga book is The Heart of Yoga  by Desikachar.  The chapter of the night was entitled "Things that Darken the Heart." Besides the obvious issues of negativity, things that we all know are wrong, there is also the idea of having unrealistic expectations - like an uber goal. The author says it's normal to set up a goal and work towards it. But sometimes we can work towards that goal with an intensity to the exclusion of the rest of life.  The goal ends up being a burden. 

(Things that make you go hmmmm.....)

The important concept is that goals are fine, but we must be flexible and recognize that goals can change and that maybe they SHOULD.

One of the Niyamas (the 'do's' of yoga) is isvira-pranidhana (ish-vir'-ah Prah-ni-dah'-na) – surrender to the divinity within me and live to serve the divinity within others. Surrender, let go of the need to control every outcome, and as I read last night….

“Paying more attention to the spirit in which we act and looking less to the results our actions may bring us..”

If I am really surrendering control and my actions are being directed by God, then the results are His and under His influence. How can those results be questioned?

How does this apply to weight loss? Well, if I do what I know is right and use the advice of those placed in my path,  the results will be what they should be, not what I think they ought to be.

What will I eventually weigh? I don’t know at this point, but it's not going to be 120!  Looks like it's time for some new goals, realistic ones. Goals based on feeding my body in the correct way, exercising it reasonably, continuing to nourish my spirit and soul, and working with what is already here.  Then whatever I weigh will be exactly right.  

 I will be very, very okay with that.

Thoughts to take with me today: Do what is wonderful at this moment, with a sweet spirit; the results can only be perfect. 

yoga = life

So this morning, I'm reading a Yoga Sutra about discerning between the permanent and the impermanent and it kind of hit me - whatever my weight is, at the moment, in the past, or in the future, that is part of the impermanent. What is permanent is my relationship with God and the respect for the gifts He has given.

I feed and exercise my body, which is a glorious gift, out of  love and the weight it goes to reflects where it should be, not an artificial number I've plucked out of thin air. The tools are actually pretty simple, and they all go back to common sense. Nothing fancy, no tricks - carbs, proteins, fats, strength, and cardio - all in proper and right proportions. (Messages my trainer has been trying to get me to understand for months!) My weight may settle to 160, 150, 140, 130, whatever - and that number will be the right one that if I truly follow what I've been studying, I will accept and love with all my heart.

When I stop and count the blessings I've been graciously given, quite frankly, it's an embarrassment of riches. Then I want to go and be pissy because 2 pounds didn't drop off this week. Really player?

How about acceptance of the entire process? How about looking at the ups and the downs with equal levels of calm?  How about just being?

Just when I think I've figured out how yoga = life, I find another way it fits in, and that makes me smile.

Thoughts to take with me today: Truths are not discovered on the treadmill, but in the silent, quiet times when I just stop....and listen. And that is such a very good thing.

that was then....

I found a picture of me from about 8 months ago - full length even - that I didn't know existed. Gotta say I spent a few minutes looking it, deciphering the different feelings and emotions it brought up. There was a time I would have been repulsed, saddened, disgusted, or sickened, maybe even a bit angry.


That was then...

Now I look at this picture and I'm impressed. That was a very unhealthy me. That was a very unhappy me. So why impressed?  Because that me had the strength to change. And because of that, I can't feel anything but respect for the me of 8 months ago. That me said, "Screw it, I don't have to live like this, I can make a change, hell I can make a bunch of changes!"

So, yeah, that's me around 245. Right before I started working with a trainer and basically doing what was needed to get aaaaall of my shit together.

That was then....

This is now....

Yeah, no makeup and my hair is rough - just finished working out.  But it's okay. This IS the same person, just in a different package. This person is also strong, but this person is so much happier. And no, not just because of the weight loss, although I'd be lying if I didn't say that losing nearly 60 pounds helped. Nope, this person is happier because she dealt with the underlying issues that lead to the heavy weight. This person is happy because she has found a path to loving the good, the bad, and the ugly in herself and in those around her.

I'm 50, and finally seeing the peace that can be. And that's a good thing...so very good. Am I finished? Oh no, no, no, no... There are days I just barely hold on to the motivation to keep going and doing the right things - and I'm SO not just talking about the diet and exercise.  Allowing the ugly side of myself  bitch inside of me to have free rein is much easier than restraint. It's a journey and a process - sometimes with hourly victories and defeats. 

That was then...and now...

Thoughts to take with me today: May God give me the strength to truly live what I write....Give me the strength to truly believe all the good....Give me the strength to be the person that truly accepts life's ups and downs with grace, love, and kindness.

The process..

Read an awesome article about weight loss yesterday. It had to do with the psychology of how people view goals.

Scientists had 3 groups perform tasks with 20 sections and the scientists measured how quickly they finished each section from start to finish.

Group one had a count down, as in they finished, and the 1 of the 20 icons dropped off, finish another task, then another icon drops off until all 20 were gone.

Group two had a count UP. Finish a task, get an icon until they reached 20.

Group three had a combination. 20 icons, but only the one they were working on was lit. The ones that were completed were faded out, the ones still to be completed were faded out.

Productivity between groups one and two were similar with a slight boost to group two. The group that did the worst was group three - ESPECIALLY when that group was in the middle numbers of tasks.

The applicability to weight loss? When losing a lot of weight - like 100 pounds or more - the MIDDLE numbers are actually the hardest mentally to shed. Each end of the journey is too far away at 50 pounds; it's been a long journey, and there is still a loooong journey to go. While physically the last 10 might be harder, mentally, the goal is in sight along with all the excitement, so there is a kind of a 'second wind' that kicks in for the last leg.

Or so the scientists say.

Since starting with my trainer on July 1st, I've lost 59 pounds, I'd say in my case, the first 20 were wicked hard,  the next 30 were pretty easy (relatively), and YES I can witness that physically and mentally, the last 10 have been brutally hard. It feels like the goal is sooooo far away and even though I'm over half way through, I keep second guessing everything I've done to get myself here.

What got me here?  well with a few variations and tweaks - this...

Cardio in the AM (4x), cardio in the PM (5-6x), along with strength 3x a week, trainer 1x a week
Daily ab work
Yoga 4x a week
1700 - 1900 calories (on good days, on bad days, let's just say the numbers are lower)
100 ounces of water
Sharp limits on anything processed or high in fat or calories

This got me to where I am - but is it what I need for the last 40? Are my doubts just a result of being far away from my goal? Do I need to make changes? If so, what?

Going back to the research, the suggestion is to focus on the building numbers and try to soften the focus on how many there are to go. This made me chuckle, because of course if anyone asks me about how I'm doing, I'll always, without fail, say "X down, X to go." So, maybe that's part of my problem? I dunno....

The other thing I think about is that if I keep doing what I'm doing, I WILL lose weight, even if it is slow, but every pound adds up. Give it 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, 12 months.....It will happen.

Thoughts to take with me today: Maybe I just need to dance with the one that brung me....

Celebrate the little victories

We all know weight loss is hard. Amazing isn't it how easy it is to put on the pounds...but taking them off? Not so much.

Seeing as it is a completely gray day here, and my weight loss seems to be stuck...again....I thought I would spend some time being happy about the little things I can do now, I couldn't 6 months ago....

*   Bending over to tie my shoes
*   Climbing stairs without getting winded
*   NO  MORE INDIGESTION! (actually, that's a pretty BIG victory!)
*   Fitting into my shoes better...yes, shoes. My feet are narrower, go figure
*   Running a half-mile at a time
*   The 'gun show'  Free tickets baby!
*   Holding a plank for a minute
*   Choosing clothes because I like them, not just because something sort of fits
*   Smiling when I look into the mirror

And the things I continue to be thankful for, every day of my life

*   My wonderful and patient husband
*   Two awesome kids
*   Numerous incredible friends
*   A great trainer
*   Yoga
*   The ability to move
*   My job  -  love my students!
*   Eva - she's the part of my brain that just doesn't exist - and that allows me to be a good teacher!
*   God and everything He has given me and allowed me to enjoy

It's gonna be a great week!

Thoughts to take with me today:   Let me have peaceful thoughts, peaceful words, and peaceful emotions. Namaste.

What a difference a day makes!

Well, a day and a full night of sleep!

6 1/2 hours, solid, uninterrupted, beautiful, glorious sleep.

This morning, I ditched the cardio for yoga - wanted that restorative movement. No need to get the heart racing every single morning of my life!

One of my yogis says "Allow the grace of the breath to move you into the pose."  I love that. So very true. Thinking on that, I chose moves that encourage deeper stretches, opening up the sides and the heart, no forcing, no pushing, just sinking more and more as the breath allowed. Lovely, wonderful. Just not enough positive adjectives out there to describe the feelings that those asanas can give. Release.

It's funny - I don't think I "think" during yoga, at least not more than what pose I'm going to go into next and a quick mental check list of what's going to bend/twist/fold/straighten. But after a yoga practice I feel like I've made important decisions. Not sure how that happens, but nonetheless, I do come to conclusions for problems I was fretting about previously.

I've decided I need MORE yoga in my life, and less cardio. It may very well slow down my weight loss, but there is no deadline out there for me - no blue ribbon for life when I've hit a magical number. Yoga puts me in a better mind frame for the day. I'm calmer and kind of care less about little things. I'm  just kind of cool with what I can control and just kind of shrug at the rest of it. Let others have some say in stuff. Let go of the feeling I have to know everything. Let God be in charge. It's all good.

This place I'm in now? This is where I want to be. Where I was yesterday? Nah, not so much.

The weight loss will happen on its own schedule. Why shouldn't I just go with what makes me smile and let life flow by unhelped by me? There's just not that much I can do anyway.

Thoughts to take with me today: Wait...what's the name of my blog? Oh yeah...Choose Joy! Yep, just choose joy every day.

Tired..

This weight loss journey has been long and hard and I'm officially tired. Just down to the bone tired.

I had several people warn me months ago about 'burning the candle at both ends' to which I said, "Well, it's a pretty big candle." and it was, but it's not now.

The two and three a day work outs, the repeated days of eating 1000 calories while burning 1500 or more, the stressing out about every fraction of a pound, the 3 - 4 weeks of no breaks, have all taken their toll. Yes, I've pretty much stopped all of those things, but the damage is more than done.

I've lost a lot of  pounds - 55 of that since July 1st - out of the 110 I want to lose which leaves me with about 45 to go.  But 45 pounds is a lot of weight still and I no longer have those deep fat stores to burn off. Now we are getting to that deeper, more internal fat. The stuff that so genuinally wants to stay with me forever. In other words, it's gotten hard.

I can add up the positives all day long - the smaller clothes sizes, the wonderful feeling of my body moving through space, the pride in watching muscles develop all day long. I know all of those positives. But they came at a price.

Endorphins no longer roar through my body after a hard workout. Just the opposite.  I so miss those endorphins. They were like little friends that kept me company for hours.

Solution? Not sure other than to keep all the positives right in front of me and keep putting one foot in front of the other and never, ever giving up.

Thoughts to take with me today: I guess this is where the woman in me breaks out and puts on her big girl panties and just works through this shit.

Getting real with the body image...

Had an interesting training session the other day. My trainer had me do side-to-side shuffles across the room. I do a lot of forward movement, so she thinks the side to side is pretty important.  It's hard, and the hips want to complain, but kind of fun once the rhythm is established.

I started, and right away she stopped me with "Wait! Why do you take such huge strides? How big do you think you are?" Then she pointed out,"Look, you have little legs, and little feet, and a compact body. You move like you think you are 5'10" (I'm just barely 5'4"). Take steps in line with how much space you take up."

Wow, 'little'? that's a new adjective! Let's pause and consider that!


<pause>


Okay...back...

And no, I don't KNOW how big I am. I DO NOT know how much space I take up. I spent the last 30 years or more avoiding mirrors and cameras just so I wouldn't have to look at the reflection, so no, I have no idea how big my strides are or how big they should be and I sure don't know  what I truly look like.

We spent time working on my gait and putting it in line with my height and leg length. 50 years old, and I have to be re-taught  how to walk! There's some internal smiling at that.

But I wonder if I'm alone. Have other people who have lost weight gone through the same process? I can't imagine this is unique to me. How do you adjust? Do you adjust? 

Will there ever be a time I can look into a mirror and see ME? Honestly just see me? 

I don't know. 

Thoughts to take with me today: Mirrors don't crack when I look into them. It's all good :)

Hate-Loss Challenge

The beginning of the year approaches and with it will be numerous 'weight loss challenges.'  I saw this  challenge on another blogger site and think it is pure genuis!

Lose the hate - love yourself. 

Such an awesome idea and I'm going to participate with it, hoping that by the end of the month the habit of losing the hate becomes more of a habit

From the "Fat Girl Wearing Thin" site

(Check link to the right ------> for more info!)

Positive Reinforcement Sheet:

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Hate-Loss Challenge:

During the month of January, 2012, I am vowing to make a resolution to have pride in myself, no matter what size I am- each and every day. January will be the month that I set in motion a healthy habit to rid my vocabulary of words that aim to destroy my self-esteem. By the end of January I hope to have set a permanent habit into motion as I continue to feel better about my value, importance, and place in this world.

Rules: At least once a day I must attempt to use one or more of these words in my vocabulary about myself:

I am….

strong, courageous, beautiful/handsome, creative, kind, better, unique, remarkable, open-minded, intelligent, confident, conditioned, fascinating, pleasing. I will say the words out loud. I will listen to how they sound as they are defining me!

Off Limits: Words I will try to refrain from using: failure, undeserving, incompetent, lazy, no-good, fat, unattractive, stupid, sloppy, defeated, unworthy.

One Final Consideration: It’s OK to be angry. It’s OK to have off-days, but I won’t let negative thoughts consume me. I will pick myself up, dust myself off and make an effort to never, ever let destructive words define who I am.

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There will be a permanent copy of this sheet along with all of the other information you need on the Hate-Loss Challenge tab at the top of my blog.

2.  Weekly Topic List:

In addition, I will have a specific topic prepared for each Thursday update. I will post that week’s topic every Monday morning. This will give you a chance to think about and write your post for Group Therapy Thursday.

3.  Group Therapy Thursday

This is a virtual meeting place to come together and work through our concerns, feelings, frustrations or breakthroughs that we’re experiencing during the challenge.  It’s also where we can support each other and offer advice.  All participants will post about their progress on Group Therapy Thursdays.   You may write about the challenge on your blog as often as you’d like; just remember that everyone will meet back here at Fat Girl Wearing Thin every Thursday where you will do one of two things:

If you run a blog: share with your readers about your involvement in the Challenge.  Post about your interaction with the Positive Reinforcement Sheet as well as that week’s topic.  You will then visit my blog and leave a comment with a link back to your progress post so that other participants can read, visit, and connect with you on your blog.

If you do not run a blog: Simply submit a progress report in the comment section of my blog each Thursday. 

Summary:

• The official start of the challenge is January 1st, 2012 and will run until January 31st, 2012.
• At some point before January, create your own Reinforcement Sheet or print out a copy of the one I’ve created and keep it in a place where you will see it every day: on your bathroom mirror, in your car, in your purse, in your gym bag, on your nightstand. These are the words you will use to describe yourself for the month.  When you say the words, I strongly encourage you to say them out loud. It is important to hear the positive words being used to describe you, and it validates the word(s) you are saying.  This is not an easy exercise.  You may feel self-conscious, foolish or ridiculous at first, but it’s important to keep saying them.  Who better to shower you with praise than you?  Eventually these words will become easier to say and negative thought patterns will hopefully begin to soften, making you more aware of the many exceptional things that define you.