Candles

I'm a teacher. It goes with out saying I have candles. Why? When it's time to give a teacher a present, what is the 'go-to' gift? A candle.

I have jar candles of all sizes, votives, tapers, shaped, novelty -  every color and scent imaginable. In fact, at last count, there are well over a hundred candles in my house right now.

Tucked away in drawers. Just about every one of them. Except for the few that sit out getting dusty.

Why do they sit?

Because I don't burn candles.

Do I not burn them because I don't like them? Actually, just the opposite. I LOVE candles. I love the flickering flame, the gentle glow, the subtle smells...I adore walking into a dim room lit only by the warmth and richness of a candle. It makes me smile. Every single time.

I don't burn them, because I don't want to waste them.

What happens to candles left unburned? Eventually they lose their smell, their color, and fade into a dull lump with a wick. Of little use or interest to anyone.

Wait...What was my goal again?

I. Don't. Want. To. Waste. Them.

As if burning them in my house, for my pleasure, is a waste.

This truth hit me hard recently as I looked at 5 candles in tall glass votives on a sideboard. At one time each candle was a vibrant color with a vivid smell, nestled in a sparking glass, asking to be used, but instead, over time, slowly fading to a non-descript color with only a hint of the original scent, covered in dust.

In saving them, I wasted them.

Now, let's take a deep breath and tuck down a bit further, peel back a couple of layers and see what I'm really saying.

I'm not worth a candle.

The pleasure of enlightening my senses, of bringing a smile to my face, of feeling the comfort - all for me? No, I'm just not worth it.

But I am. I'm worth a candle, and so much more.

This is what my sideboard looks like right now.

Candles, lit and in use, not for anyone else, but for me. For no other reason than it makes me smile.

What do you save for company only? Is there something that you only pull out for 'special' that sits in a drawer or a closet that you wish you could use more often? I challenge you to use it for you, not for company, but for the best person in your life - you.

You are worth that, and so much more.

Thoughts to take with me today: Light a candle, feel the love, and smile.

Lessons from a beginner

There were new people in my yoga class last night. This isn't unusual, except that these were first-timers to yoga - as in, first class, evah. Since this is a mixed levels class, beginners are generally part of any class, but brand new? Not so much.

One of the ladies was me from two years ago - unsure, uncoordinated, inflexible, but determined to do everything 'right.'  I wanted the class to go just so beautifully for her, I wanted her to align her hips, flex forward with ease, and then bend back and open her heart to the heavens and see herself as the radiant soul she most certainly is.

My wish for her? No struggle, no effort, just joy

Of course though, she had a typical first timer's class. Nothing came automatically. She needed many adjustments, lots of explanations, and several attempts to do basic poses.

Thankfully, her first class was under the instruction of a great yogi - one who has marvelously clear instructions and tons of support, all delivered with a spirit of love and humor.

At the end of the class though, the similarities between her first class and mine ended as she commented to me, "I know I didn't do everything perfect, but I felt like I did a whole lot right! I loved it!"

The thud you hear is my heart hitting the ground as I realized that even after two years, I still don't always have that attitude. Too often I end class thinking about how much my hip hurt in a stretch, that I needed to be corrected in a back bend, or how someone else's pose soared, while mine...not so much.

In other words, I focus on what I did wrong, instead of celebrating the journey on my mat that day, respecting where I was at that moment.

It took a beginner to help me see that.

Maybe girlfriend isn't such a beginner after all.

Tomorrow brings another yoga class and another chance to enjoy the movement and feel the love. My goal is to end it with deep belief with her exact statement.

"I know I didn't do everything perfect, but I felt like I did a whole lot right! I loved it!"

Thoughts to take with me today: Who are you right now? You are also a radiant soul. Believe nothing less.

It's the pauses that matter

The more I study, practice, learn about yoga the more I'm struck by how much I want my life to actually be yoga. As in, no difference between my behavior on or off my mat. Just seamless, continuous yoga.

On my mat I can be calm, giggly, exuberant, sad, humble, joyous, inquisitive, or any number of emotions, not always 'pretty' ones, but authentic and respectful of what I am at that moment.

On my mat I journey from one pose to another and pause when the pose is exactly right for me,  Not where I will be in a year, or where I was a year ago. But now - this moment.

On my mat, I don't ask myself  'why?' and 'when?" and "what the hell are you trying to do?" There is movement and breath and finally a stillness with no past or future. Only present. Only this moment.

On my mat I breathe in peace and breathe out what little stress is there. It's not that the anxiety melts or dissipates in the yoga room, it's that it doesn't follow me. The stress is somewhere out in the hall, or parking lot, or just away.

On my mat healing thought patterns form and slowly erase the old tapes. Thought patterns that speak the truth with love and over time I believe those whispered truths just a bit more.

On my mat, I pause, and feel that moment.

On my mat, I am home.

This weekend I made a comment about someone being 'comfortable with having pauses' when they teach yoga. And there was the discovery. How perfect to have pauses in life. How right to be still, how blissful to leave the anxiety in the ether and what a gift to breathe in peace.

Living the moment - no matter what is happening - exercising, meditating, eating, house cleaning -loving the purpose of the moment.

That's yoga.

Thoughts to take with me today: I want to live on my mat and I can. It only takes practice.

Why I practice yoga

Until recently, I viewed yoga as a religion or a practice directly in conflict with my Christian faith. Even when I began attending yoga classes, there were sayings that the teacher would lead us in that I would quietly just not do. No drama, just a lack of participation.  The phrases seemed uncomfortable and created a dissonance within and made me think that they were questioning of my Christianity.

But if the truth be told, I wasn’t that great of a Christian.  And I was unhappy. Something was missing. 

I started asking questions of my teacher, and very wisely, she fed me tidbits – not enough to spook me - but enough to make me think. One of the first principles of yoga I learned were the Yamas and Niyamas.  Although the names were foreign and didn’t sit well in my mouth, there was nothing to fight against.

Yamas

Ahimsa – Compassion for all living things

Satya – Truthfulness

Asteya – Do not steal

Bramacharya – Self control

Aparigraha – Lack of greed

Niyamas

Sauca – Purity

Santosha – Contentment

Tapas – Discipline

Svadhyaya – Study of sacred scriptures

Isvara-pranidhana – Devotion to God

Nothing objectionable. Just a way to live.

Many yogis put emphasis on Ahimsa or Satya – do not harm and tell the truth. Good concepts, but for some reason the one that caught my eye was Svadhyaya – the study of sacred scriptures. Nothing in yoga said what to study, just to study.

Interesting.

For the first time in years, I picked up my Bible and began reading. Although I grew up in a church, attended a Christian high school and university, and am still a member, at 50 something clicked inside and a door opened. The connection between what was on the pages and what my life should look like became clear; I began to live what I was reading every morning. The unhappiness and discontent slowly peeled away. What was left was peace and acceptance. 

Yoga made me a better Christian

This morning, I turned to Ephesians 4 and 5. A short way in, I read the words “Put away falsehood” and I whispered the word, “Satya.”  In a few short verses, I realized that every Yama and Niyma was there. Every one of them. Oh sure, some are a bit more oblique than others, but the thought, the idea, the feeling is there.

5 Therefore, putting away falsehood, let every one speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. (SATYA) 26 Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil. 28 Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his hands, so that he may be able to give to those in need. (ASTEYA) (APARIGRAHA).  29 Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for edifying, as fits the occasion, that it may impart grace to those who hear (BRAMACHARYA) 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, in whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, with all malice (SAUCA), 32 and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (AHIMSA)

1Therefore be imitators of God (TAPAS)(SVADHYAYA) as beloved children. 2 And walk in love (SANTOSHA), as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God (ISVARA PRANIDHANA).

My worlds intersected and I smiled.

Thoughts to take with me today: Anything that brings me closer to God can only be good. 

Practice

Practice

Over the past 18 months, I’ve discovered an inner athlete I didn’t know existed.  Contrary to my entire adult life, now I  LIKE to sweat and I LIKE to work and waking up sore in the morning makes me chuckle more than groan. The inner conversation involves a lot of ‘mock complaining’ as I take inventory of what hurts and compare it to the activities of the day before.

Almost everything I’ve tried was hard the first time. Cardio kickboxing? Oh dear, epic, epic fail. Hated it so much. Felt uncoordinated, awkward, and just plain dumb. After a few more practices, the beauty of the moves came through, the arms and legs figured out the routine, and now I like it – a lot.

Agility drills forced me to jump over planks and cones and while trying to get over the dumb things with my knees drawn to my chest, I also had to think about landing softly. Oh and breathe, yeah, that too. Months later, agility is a favorite.  This week in training, I was somewhat disappointed when the cones didn’t make an appearance.

Never would have thought that would have happened. But when the muscles are strong, previous challenges just look easier.

My first yoga class couldn’t have been worse. The teacher introduced herself as ‘your torturer for the next 75 minutes’ and she was pretty close to the mark.  As with other activities, the first time, I thought everyone else looked marvelous, I felt like a lump. It was months before I tried yoga again. And while I’ll never win any award for gracefulness, that matters so little. What matters is that on my mat, I can breathe and sink into a pose and just love being. Peaceful, accepting, and happy.

What do all of those things have in common? To have any type of command, I had to practice, over and over, until the movements gained some automaticity, until the body grew strong, until I gained confidence and said to myself, “Yes, I CAN do this.”

Now it’s time to practice something else, maybe the most important thing yet. I can practice being happy. Physical muscles can become strong, and I’m betting emotional ones can also. I can practice positive thoughts, controlled reactions, loving prayers. I can practice all of these things until the habits gain some automaticity, until the heart grows strong, until I gain confidence and say, ‘Yes, I CAN do this. ‘

Growing the physical muscles took time, patience, and a steady bridging from one mastered move to the next step of that move. The emotional ones will form the same way. But the key will be consistency. Consistency with writing, breathing, and meditation.  And yoga. I don’t think there is anything I do in my life that yoga does not touch in some way.

But even when the muscles are strong, not everything goes to plan. I stumbled over a jump the other day in training.  No real reason, just a miscalculation. As I self-righted, my trainer remarked, “Do you know how many muscles you just had to use to save that? Good job.” It was the practicing for months that allowed me to correct and stay upright.  Wanna bet the same thing can happen when someone unloads a boat-load of undeserved negativity right in my lap? Or when everything I try goes wrong? That’s when it’s time to reflect on what builds resiliency – just breath, stretch, shake, then let it go. Make a choice.  Choose to step off the roller coaster.

Choose to react with love. Choose joy.

So, there it is. Time to practice positivity; time to practice loving reactions; time to practice being happy. It won’t always be smooth, but let’s see if I can keep from stumbling with new muscles that can also learn how to work.

Thoughts to take with me today: Grow strong; it only takes practice.

Choices...

It's been a year since I started my weight loss journey. Although I was a bit down from my very heaviest weight, in July of last year, I weighed 241. Today I weigh 165.  76 pounds just gone.

There is a measure of deep gratitude for those that helped me along this path, and a deep sense of debt that can never be repaid, except maybe, if I pay it forward. That's probably the only way to set that bill  to rights.

But choices....life is about choices.

I choose....

....to challenge myself physically instead of relying on excuses for inactivity

....to re-evaluate overuse and make changes that respect the body and the spirit

....to nurture the soul with yoga and meditation and writing

....to fuel my body with nutritious foods

....to say "no" to food as a comfort item

....to give up the crutches of cigarettes and prescription medications 

....to take risks and being okay when an attempted connection doesn't work

....to look out my window every morning and thank God for the gift of another day

....to breathe the outside air, listen to the sounds of nature, and feel the ground beneath my feet

....to reject childhood beliefs about my abilities

....to judge myself and others by actions, not by appearance

....to see the beauty in every smile

....to be unapologetically me 

Maybe the last one is the most important. I used to worry about how I came across to people and fret that I laughed too loud, or spoke without thinking, or any one of a thousand things that I watched myself do wrong. There were nights of sleepliness spent replaying an interaction and wishing I could have a 'redo.' It became easier to create a 'me' that others seemed to want and expect. But the energy required to maintain a false front is grueling.  Nowadays,  I'm really me and the best thing about being me is that I am more open to changing, because changing is part of a growth process, and not an indication that the persona has cracks and flaws and has therefore failed. 

My journey isn't over by a long shot -- still so many areas that need work. But now, there is a deeper sense of strength, a history of success, and tools to use for those days when even the air feels heavy on my shoulders.  I  hope that when I'm 90, there will still be ways to be just a bit better than the day before. That would be a true gift.

Respect the process my friends, let every good day build on another, use the bad ones as rest days, and mostly,  just love yourself. We are beautiful, and we always were.

Thoughts to take with me today:  Choose to dwell on the days filled with love and light. Those are the real deal.

Patience

Maybe some people plan out their blogs with what they are going to post. but I don't. My posts are always based on what is going on in my life right now. Very much in the moment.

I say that, because I just noticed that the title of this post is the opposite of my last one, and that is/was not planned.

However, the title is too perfect to change.

Because....

After months of practicing my headstand and being ever so patient and respectful of where my body  is, tonight, I moved it to the next step!!!

(See February 19th, 2012 for my ever continuing effort to do a head stand. Just remember, no more crashes)

YES!! It happened like this. I was in my pike and without thinking, my feet gently moved up above my head and then it hit me --- I was up, floating, non-efforting, calm, balanced. Not all the way, but to the next level, and that's incredible!

Happy dance, happy, happy, happy feet dancing around the room... 

no wait...

That's not very yogi-ish of me, is it?

Quiet, control, peace.

(but I did it, I did it, I did it! I really, really did it!)

Why am I so happy? Is it for going to the next level? Actually no. I could have done this move months ago if I were using the wall as support. In fact, by using the wall, I'd be straight up and down.  But I didn't want the wall; for me, it felt like a cheat. My whole persona lately has been wrapped up in more, more, more - muscling my way through, forcing my body to do, do, do, consequences be damned.  In this area,  I asked myself to  be truly happy to be where I was, and allow my body to gain the shoulder and core strength to take headstands one baby step at a time - that respect is what I'm happy about. 

And.....(you KNOW I'm gonna say it.) 

 Yoga = Life

Tiny improvements in strength

Little drops make big oceans

It WILL happen, if I am 

Patient

Thoughts to take with me today:  Thank you, thank you for accepting the wait as part of the journey.  Namaste.

What drag it is to say...

Ooooooh, new John Meyer CD out yesterday! Of all the artists out there, he so often sings my heart, and this CD is no exception. Lovely, sweet tone where I can imagine myself sitting in a camp chair just listening to him play directly to me, and a few of my closest friends.

 Deliciousness is.

One song, Speak to Me, in particular grabbed me. I listened to it about 20 times because I was simply entranced by the lyrics.  This line in particular....

"What a drag it is to say, at least I still have yesterday"

Think about that. What if everything wonderful in our lives was in the past and we only had our memories? Nothing to look forward to, nothing to anticipate  How empty each day would be. How sad.

But that is the beauty of life, everything wonderful in our lives is not in the past. Every single morning is another chance to make a great choice, hug a friend, smile, to be in the moment. And this moment, right now, is good. It's all good.

Thoughts to take with me today: I have yesterday, but more importantly I have today.

Namaste

 

 Want to see this song performed? John Meyer "Speak to Me" live

Sunrise

I stood with a friend and watched the sun rise this morning. It climbed over the horizon huge, golden, and bright. The sky slowly filled with the absolute gloriousness of the morning and it hit me.

Every single day is a gift, a miracle, a blessing. Every single day begins clean, filled with only the deliciousness of the moment. Every single day begins with love.

If only we could hold onto those feelings from sunrise to sunset.

If only we could stay in the moment.

If only we could remember how blessed we truly are.

Thoughts to take with me today: The light and goodness in me bows to the light and goodness in you. If you are in that place in you and I am in that place in me, then there is only one of us. Namaste

Yogaville

Yes, there really is a Yogaville.  It is located in Buckingham County, VA and it is an incredible place.

A place of wonderment. Yogaville.

I went there expecting to

attend yoga classes

learn about yoga

DO yoga

But that's not what happened.

I found yoga.

The classes faded to the background and it was the meditation opportunities that drew me in and held me. I've heard that praying is talking to God; meditation is listening to God.

6:00 am: I'm in a dim room lit only by candles with a soft voice in the background, deep into my own breath, open to whatever God is there to tell me. Anxiety fades away, fears melt, concerns about "What if?" "When?" "Why?"  drift to the back of my mind, slide down my back, and evaporate. Gone, just gone.

What remained?

Peace

Calm

Balance



For the first time in my life, I saw where I want to be - the place I deserve to be. No worries, no anxiety, no fretting. Living in the moment, not the past, not the future. The now.

Why do I deserve to own that peace? Not because I'm such an amazing person and because I've done amazing things. No, I deserve that place of calm because I am a child of God and heir to all of His riches. That's why.

We all are wonderful, blessed people, and we all have spirits that can open to that place of calm. Choose to embrace it, choose to believe it, choose joy and everything that comes with it.

Thoughts to take with me today: Depression is living the the past; anxiety is living the future; peace is living in the now. Choose.

And we are all so fragile....

Ingrid Michaelson - "Breakable"

Ingrid Michaelson singing "Breakable" live -- breathtaking!

“And we are so fragile, our cracking bones make noise. We are just breakable, breakable girls and boys”

Not sure why this song is running through my mind, but it is. I wonder what my inner teacher is trying to tell me when I have a song there in my head for DAYS. There is something important there, at least to me.

Maybe it’s as simple as the lyrics say – we are all fragile, breakable, with so little in the way of true defense. Our hearts are laid out there, open to hurt and pain.

Should it be so? Well, there’s an interesting question. Do I WANT my heart open? Yes I do, I don’t want to be closed off to any opportunities, but at the same time my heart needs some protection  - except refer back to the song – “We are all just breakable girls and boys.” There truly is no protection.

What a conundrum! No wonder my head swims with trying to figure out life. I want to protect, except there is nothing any of us can truly do, especially if we want to feel, and live, and be.

I feel at an ebb right now emotionally. Kind of low, but not so low I’m sad, just dreamy I would say. Probably reflective of the weather, which is grey and rainy. But over all, I’m okay, which is in its own way, wonderful.  Not every day has to be at the top of an emotional mountain. Sometimes, it's okay to sit back, count the raindrops, and wait for the sun. Build up strength for the hard times. Just be.

 “And we are all so fragile"

Let's move this away from self into the world. "WE" are all fragile.  I've seen the saying before, "Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle." And that is the truth - I'm not unique in fighting inner foes. You are not unique in fighting inner foes. We are all fighting something that to us is monstrous, huge, overwhelming. Everyone is deserving of kindness, tenderness, and love.

So greet a stranger with a smile. Hug a friend. Tell someone you love them. If the smile, hug, or love comes back, great. If not, think a prayer or a good thought towards that person. Give love, get love.

Remember.....

"We are all just breakable boys and girls."

Thoughts to take with me today: Stay tender, stay open, be kind. Smile.

Make me an instrument of Your peace..

Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.


O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. 

I've been reciting this prayer for a while now - in my morning meditation and in the evening. Praying it, and truly thinking about what it says and what it means.

It really directs the attention away from one's self to others - to looking at my own problems and trusting that they will be taken care of, and actively searching to how I can relieve the burdens of those around me. 

What a challenge this is! I must put aside my needs and have faith that they will be met somehow, someway, and instead look at acquaintances, friends, and family to give them love, comfort, consolation, and joy.

I remember reading a yoga sutra about vows, and how you have to be seriously mean a vow because the MOMENT you make it, the vow will be challenged. And this prayer has already brought me a huge opportunity/challenge. This is something I may write about later as I see if it comes to fruition, but leave it at this - this opportunity would go to my love of teaching literacy. No money attached to it, but service? Yes, there is a rich service and all the rewards that come from telling myself that someone else is more vulnerable, more important, and deserving of attention.

These past 10 months have brought remarkable changes and not just physical. There have been ups and downs in my heart and head as I've traveled an emotional and spiritual path to peace.

Maybe it's time to use those new found emotional and spiritual muscles to do some good. 

Maybe it's time for the spotlight to be on someone else. 

Maybe, just maybe, it's time for me to move out of the center and be happy to let someone else grow, learn, and thrive.

Maybe...

So if you are a praying person or a sending out good thoughts person, I'd appreciate either as I watch this opportunity unfold. I'm not expecting anything wonderful immediately, but I'm deeply touched that the possibility was even rolled my way. 

No matter what, I choose joy and all the good that comes with it.

Thoughts to take with me today: Opportunities come from unusual places. Listen with your heart.

I hope

May my mind come alive today
to the invisible geography
that invites me to new frontiers
to break the dead shell of yesterdays
to risk being disturbed and changed

May I have the courage today
to live the life I would love
to postpone my dream no longer
but do at last what I came here for
and waste my heart on fear no more

John O'Donohue




`````````````````


can i second a line?


....and waste my heart on fear no more...


How many times have I said, 


"When I lose weight, I will _______."
or
"I can't do____________, I weigh too much."
or
"What will people think of me if I ___________?"


No more, just no more.


I CHOOSE to be disturbed...
I CHOOSE to shake off old habits
I CHOOSE to take a chance
I CHOOSE to be who I am supposed to be
I CHOOSE to choose joy and all the good that comes with it.


And therefore....


I CHOOSE to start Yoga Teacher Training  (YTT) this fall. 


I REFUSE to put off any more experiences because I'm not thin enough, or pretty enough, or good enough, or any other descriptors I think others could think. No, just no... done with all of that.


Will I be the most flexible, the best prepared, the top of the class? I hope not. I hope I'm at the very bottom. I hope I have 20 or more people to look up to and to see where I can be one day. I hope I walk out of every class with my head spinning with all that I've been exposed to from both the instructor and the other students. Good... I hope I learn humilty along with yoga and never forget from where I came. I will be stronger in the long run for it.

Most of all....

I hope that I never, ever forget the feeling of deep awe I have right now that some mysterious line has been crossed.

I hope that when I do teach I see the possiblities in every student. 

I hope that one day I am able to give back the grace and love I've been so freely given

I hope that my spirit will continue to grow and expand and allow me to take in even more

I hope I never stop learning and never ever think "I've arrived." 

I hope......

Thoughts to take with me today: Namaste

Control? Yes, please

I learned something valuable last night.

In yoga class.

(Go figure)

There is only one place in my life where I have true control and that is on my beautiful 71 x 26 inch yoga mat.

Off my mat, I can only control the minutia of my life. Then I blow up the importance of these insignificant areas until the least important parts of my life take over everything with anxiety and fretfulness and fear.

And I turn into a hot mess....

Here are some things I cannot control

the response of my body to my efforts to lose weight

what people may think of me

whether or not my family and friends make healthy choices

I can't make any of those things turn out the way I plan. No matter how much I may want to - and that wanting turns into anxiety, which turns into stress, which turns into a very unhealthy me.

Yet, on my 1800 square inches, I can control so very much. For instance, I'm in class last night  and normally, I'm somewhat of an 'anti-prop' kind of person. "Props? We don't need no stinkin' props - those are for people still learning!" Yeah, well guess who is still learning?

So, I'm in a trikonasana (kind of a side bend) and we were all told to grab a block and somewhat reluctantly, I'm using mine and then it hit me.... THIS is non-efforting, THIS is no stress -- breathe, relax, enjoy.... oh wow, what have I been missing out on?  It's a slice of heaven and I just want to stay in this pose forever and just be right here where everything in my world is perfection.

Control? Oh yeah...

Later, we are working on headstands, which is the pose I want to be able to do, but now I'm actually  listening to instruction instead of flinging my way up. I hear, "If you are not strong enough to adjust your shoulders so that your head can move easily, you aren't ready for this pose."

(Have I been told this before? Probably. Have I HEARD this before? Nope.)

First stage, feet in down dog, crown of the head on the floor, hands cradling the head. Yes, I can move the head freely.

Second stage, feet up against the wall in a pike position. Yes, I can move the head freely.

Third stage, feet walked up as close to the head so my trunk is perpendicular. Hmmmmm, I can sort of move the head freely.

Fourth stage, feet off the floor. The head cannot move. I've found the edge.

A couple of months ago, I'd have said, 'Screw it, go for it. You won't compress the spine that much." Last night I smiled, breathed, and dropped gently down.

Control

It felt good to respect where I was at that moment, to respect the edge, to respect my journey.

But real life isn't lived on a yoga mat, it's lived out in the world where I can choose to use yoga precepts I am learning. And a big one I'm learning is where I can control the outcome and where I cannot control it.

There are going to be obstacles in my life -- TODAY -- that I'm going to have to make a decision about how I choose to react.  Bring it on, seriously, bring it on. I want to look at something and consciously think, "I have no control over this issue or the outcome. I choose to not fret, worry, or revisit. I let it go."

Then when I am back on my mat, I want to revel in the control I have at that moment to set the outcome.

Where is your safety zone? Your slice of heaven? Make time to be there every day, then take the feeling and let it carry you until the next time you visit.

Thoughts to take with me today: There are many paths to peace, I'm grateful I've found one.

A reminder, not a lesson

In a subject for another post, I've basically spent most of my adult life ignoring anything having to do with my own personal health. Regular check ups for my children, yes. Regular check ups for mom, no, not so much.

As part of my journey of waking up from a 10 year fog and haze of anti-depressants, I realized it had been a long time since I had had a mammogram. A very long time. Like 15 years.

(Don't start....I know)

Last Friday, I went for the supposedly annual peek at what lies beneath the skin. It wasn't as bad as I've heard. Kind of odd to have the girls handled in such a matter of fact way, but I can roll.

Tuesday, things changed.

The radiologist called with a request to have another peek.

I got scared and I called on friends. In their own way, and in a different way, they all helped.

Underneath my lovely blooming cherry tree, Denise sat with me and we discussed calming thoughts and how to handle news with equal levels of acceptance.  I thought I had control. This was all going to be fine. I prayed and asked God to make this a reminder of all the good I had, not a lesson to teach me about all the wonderful things I have. Please.

Then Wednesday came.

This time the radiologist used words that no one wants to hear. "This fits the profile of ductile cancer." "We did multiple looks to verify." "You need a biopsy, and probably a lumpectomy." "Now."

I cried.

A lot.

With the support and guidance of my sister Tammy and my friend Kathy, and the shoulder of Erin, I made it to Thursday morning. Then, everything sped up.  Phone calls, appointments on 3/26, 3/30, 4/2, forms, films, insurance, canceled appointments, "Can you be here at 11:30?" "Can you do the biopsy on Friday?"

In Lanelle's office I just sat kind of numbly as she printed forms, made phone calls, and prodded me to get through the next few minutes.

Soon, the dust settled and the biopsy was set for Friday morning at 9:30. Lanelle made me a nifty folder with all my paperwork, Erin agreed to go with me, Don, my long-suffering husband, agreed to be at home fresh to pick up any pieces left after the biopsy.

I sat at my desk in an empty room and realized that this  had just gotten too real for me. This was too much, too fast, so not equipped to handle this. Time to get out. I went into my Principal's office with a leave slip and said, "I need to go, and I will be out tomorrow. I'll be having a biopsy." She nodded. The solidarity of women. We all seem to know and understand.

On the way home, something snapped. Pulling over to the side of the road, I screamed, cried, shook, sobbed, until I was wrung out. I drove on. The feelings hit me again. I needed to get control somehow
Hit the door of the house, gym clothes on, at the gym in 5 minutes,
Machine of choice? Elliptical. Non-impact. Smooth motion. Nothing required but raw endurance. How long can I go before something in my mind breaks or something in my body? Either way, it's now, right freaking now.

85 minutes later......I started crying again, then, I stopped and thought, "No. Just no. I can be had, but not by this. I've worked too hard to get where I need to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually to go down this easily. No, just no."

A bit of push back from the part of me that still wanted to fight, but largely, the fight was gone.

95 minutes later (and 1115 calories later btw),  I was off. Barely able to make conscious thoughts, barely able to walk, but at peace.

Friday morning Erin and I sit in the hospital mammography suite. I'm scared, but in an accepting place. Whatever happens, will happen. It's all good.

New radiologist has a new plan. She'd like to have another peek but from a different angle. Everything is so close to the skin, it's POSSIBLE that the spots they are seeing are not actually in the breast tissue. Maybe.

I should have known up front this was going to be quite the mammography from Hell when it took two techs to handle the machine and me. They warned this was going to be intense. They didn't lie.

The goal was to see if the BB on the skin could cast a shadow under the spots. If there was a shadow, then the spots were in the deepest layer of the skin, not in the breast tissue. But to get these shots, the machine would have apply an unusually high amount of pressure and take multiple pics with no breaks in between.

After the seventh x-ray, I lost count. The pain was overwhelming, excrutiating, it was my whole world. From somewhere inside, I remembered my alternate nostril breathing from yoga class. Can I remain calm enough to do this?

Challenge accepted.

I breathed, held one nostril down, in, out. Other nostril, in out. Repeat, breath, repeat, breath. Over and over. Ride the pain, feel the breath. Again, and again, and again. Until the bottom plate moved away. Sit and fold over, thankful the pain was gone.

15 minutes later, I was out of the room. 25 minutes later, the radiologist was with Erin and me. She had looked at the films with another radiologist. The now 'magic BB' absolutely cast a shadow under the spots. They were in the skin layer, not the breast layer.

Benign....clearly benign

She said the words, "You do not have breast cancer." Twice.... Erin and I hugged and I was so grateful she was with me at that moment.

Next step? None really. These might show up on another mammogram, they might absorb into the skin, they might grow, but they are not in the breast tissue, they cannot be cancer.

Calm, peace, gratitude

To my friends mentioned here. You may never read this post, but it doesn't matter. I love you so very dearly. Each one of you brought me something and you all freely gave of yourselves.

I was not strong enough to do this, until.....

Denise who helped me find calm in breathing...
Tammy gave me the strength of family and shared history....
Kathy made me laugh at myself....
Lanelle let me fall apart and then put me back together...
Erin let me be vulnerable; she did not ask me to be strong. She told me I was beautiful as the tears rolled down my face (although we both admitted the nose blowing was decidely unladylike)...

And Don, my wonderful husband, held me and loved me.

"Thank you" seems to be such an inadequate phrase in this case, but in the English language, it's all I have.

So, thank you my friends.

Thoughts to take with me today  Thank you God for the reminder of how blessed I am, every day, in every way.

Music

If there is one thing I cannot work out without, it's my music. Love, LOVE, LOVE my tunes. And let me tell you, I'm no music snob. If the song makes my toe tap and my body move, it makes the play list.

This is my current favorite, "Brighter than the Sun" by Cobie Caillet.  Give it a listen. NO ONE can tell me that the great beat track and upbeat words doesn't make them smile. No way...couldn't happen. Go on, listen, I can wait.

Brighter than the Sun

Isn't that fun? Now, imagine you are on the treadmill or elliptical at 5:30 am with that going on in your ears....the legs just start moving and pretty soon, the warm up is over and your whole mood is positive.

And the words...."I found this love, I'm gonna feed it, I'm gonna treat better than anything...." yep, I sure am. Sure am.

It's the little things that add up and make this whole journey fun. Yes, there are times that the serious nature comes through, but oh my, can't we sometimes smile and laugh and just plain have fun? Sure can!

What are the songs that get you going? Hook me in, give me your current favie, who knows, maybe it becomes mine, and gives me that little push to get me going on the that cold, slow morning.


Thought for the day: Find your love, feed it, and treat it better than anything....

It's Monday!

I don't know about you all, but Monday's to me have always been a very optimistic day. It's the first day of a brand new week, with all the possibilites of good ahead. What may happen? Don't know, but it's a clean slate. All the mistakes from last week are solidly in the past. This week leans forward with happiness.

Woke up this morning and weighed a bit heavier than this time last week. Up a pound. :(  Yes, that is a bit annoying but on the plus side, my daughter is home from college, I had a great time with friends yesterday, and all my major joints feel pretty good. Weigh the good with the bad, look at the scale of life, and decide which side deserves the focus. Yeah....choose joy - again and again.

Only love, only joy, only kindness - say it over and over again - until you believe every syllable, and remember, those are emotions you deserve to feel towards yourself. We are all lovely.

So, smile at a friend and see your beauty reflected back to you in their eyes. It's there, just look. And let that emotion fill your heart.




Thoughts to take with me today: There is nothing wrong with right now. Right now is only gorgeous. Namaste.

Contentment vs. Happiness

Wonderful sutra this morning – contentment is not about being happy, it is about being comfortable in the moment – neither looking ahead nor looking behind, but looking within and acknowledging that whatever is happening RIGHT NOW, I am peaceful and accepting of that.

A song popped into mind during meditation  – “When peace like a river attends my way, or sorrow like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, ‘It is well with my soul.” And that is where I want to be, content knowing that no matter what happens, my soul is protected and that there is a certain amount of peace that I can always have there, deep inside me.

There were times (even recently) that discovering a truth like that would have upset me. "I’m 50 years old – shouldn’t I have figured all of this out years ago?" the arrogant part of me would have demanded.   "Shouldn't I be some sort of  'life guru' by now? I mean...when do I get 'there'?"   I think my problem is I've always thought deep inside there was/is a finish line, that there will be a time that I receive a ‘trophy’ for becoming a full fledged adult. But, as I've very gradually let go of the expectation of perfection in myself, I've discovered to my absolute delight the journey and process of life. Every day there is something new to learn - how wonderful, truly. 

May I never stop learning and feeling this joy that in every experience, even the mundane, ordinary ones,  I can discover another truth. My heart does not need to stop growing - its potential is infinite. 


So now, I don't want to get 'there,' 'there' would be boring.

Thoughts to take with me today: Feel the contentment, reflect on how your heart wraps around it, let it soak into your core.

Let yesterday rest. Let tomorrow wait. Love today. Namaste.

Celebrate the little victories

We all know weight loss is hard. Amazing isn't it how easy it is to put on the pounds...but taking them off? Not so much.

Seeing as it is a completely gray day here, and my weight loss seems to be stuck...again....I thought I would spend some time being happy about the little things I can do now, I couldn't 6 months ago....

*   Bending over to tie my shoes
*   Climbing stairs without getting winded
*   NO  MORE INDIGESTION! (actually, that's a pretty BIG victory!)
*   Fitting into my shoes better...yes, shoes. My feet are narrower, go figure
*   Running a half-mile at a time
*   The 'gun show'  Free tickets baby!
*   Holding a plank for a minute
*   Choosing clothes because I like them, not just because something sort of fits
*   Smiling when I look into the mirror

And the things I continue to be thankful for, every day of my life

*   My wonderful and patient husband
*   Two awesome kids
*   Numerous incredible friends
*   A great trainer
*   Yoga
*   The ability to move
*   My job  -  love my students!
*   Eva - she's the part of my brain that just doesn't exist - and that allows me to be a good teacher!
*   God and everything He has given me and allowed me to enjoy

It's gonna be a great week!

Thoughts to take with me today:   Let me have peaceful thoughts, peaceful words, and peaceful emotions. Namaste.

Be careful what you ask for...

Last week, I told my trainer I'd like to focus more on the core during training.

Woah...

Did I ever get my wish granted!

I did more exercises than I thought could possibly exist for the core, and best of all, I don't think I repeated exactly any exercise I've ever done.

So many different muscle groups get activated at one time it's hard to figure out where to concentrate.

At one point she looked at me and asked 'Bet you thought we would just be doing crunches!"

Uh, no, I didn't think at all. I've found that thinking when it comes to training never works out. Better off just doing. Let someone else think.

But what I do need to think about is to remember that working out pays off in dividends more than just the body being reshaped, but also in the spirit settling, my soul smiling, and best of all..... Oh! Well hello there endorphins! I've missed you and love that you are spending the day with me!

Yeah...too cool

Thoughts to take with me today:  Love, LOVE, LOVE the journey and remember every gift I'm allowed to have - my body, my family, my friends - they are all here to remind me of how amazing life can be.