I'm too busy...really?

Each day seems to be endless in its demands - my 'to do' list seems to grow with the minutia of life. A friend asked me recently if I could get a mani/pedi with her soon and my mind instantly shot to my mental calender where all my activities are planned out in 15 minute increments and wondered where I could find a spare hour to be with her.

It's not looking real good to be honest.

Then I started thinking (which is what I seem to do best some days.)  Every morning my feet swing around from the bed and the treadmill of my day begins. God forbid something get in the way, a glitch in the schedule, or an extra demand on my time. That's a near catastrophe! Heads will roll!

Each day stretches out with some measure of anxiety and worry in "Can I really get all this done?"

The days seem to be so long.

The years though, especially those behind me seem to have gone by in a blink. It's amazing to think that a year ago I weighed over 200 pounds and that really, really one-day-at-a-time, one-step-at-a-time the weight came off. It just doesn't feel possible.

I know how it happened though; it happened by pushing aside that little voice that said, "you're too busy to eat right, you're too busy to work out, you're too busy to keep track of your calories,"  and just did it.

While my schedule is packed to the gills now, that's not a new situation from five years ago. I was just as busy then, and five years from now, God willing, I'll be just as packed with a variety of things that just need to be done.

The, 'I'm too busy,' mantra needs to be set aside in favor of another thought, "If it is important, I will find the time." And what is important? My family, my friends, my diet/exercise- those are all huge priorities - and vital to a healthy 'me'

I'm thinking I do indeed have time to spend with her.  Something minor will have to give and I'll bet in the long run, I'll not even notice that a small, trivial matter wasn't attended to. I'll also bet that in the long run, the experience with someone I deeply love will sustain me through that day, giving me strength for the next.

Thoughts to take with me: May I never overvalue activities and undervalue people.

And this is how my day began

Wake up at 5:27 - this is a problem since my spinning class, the one I'm TEACHING, starts at 5:30
No time for anything, including bathroom, and whatever clothes are on the floor are good enough as I dress running down the stairs
Can't call the gym, don't have the phone number
5 minutes late
Put on wrong playlist
Grab wrong profile
Doesn't matter anyway, since I can't see because I didn't put in contacts
No water
Shirt feels funny, of course it does - it's on backwards, and inside out
So are the shorts
Look down, see that I have on two different shoes and two different socks
Teach class, which actually goes better than it deserved to go
Class ends
Manager on duty yells at me for not calling
Home, door is open, dog and cat are outside
Find dog and cat, in the rain
Shower, makeup, dress (clothes are all oriented correctly this time)
Leave for work and realize I've left my iphone at home
Turn around
Starts to rain again, turn on wipers
iPhone was on the windshield  and I watch it fly into the next lane of traffic
Park car SAFELY
Run out to the middle of the road as cars honk
Grab phone (phone is okay - Otter Box, FTW)
5 minutes late to school
Write about my morning
Look at list of woes
Then sort of laugh
And figure my day can only go up from here

Thought to take with me today: Breathe, stretch, shake, let it go

In which the truth comes out ungracefully

Did/Said something so dumb tonight. 

Someone made a comment about eating to me - to 'be careful with my food choices - don't go crazy with the cookies." (where that thought came from I have NO idea) and I kind of looked at her and I promise you i thought for a moment 'Are you freaking nuts?  Me eat cookies??" but what I said was ....."Uh, I don't eat anything really. When I'm stressed like I am right now, my comfort food is to eat no food because I don't trust myself to eat." 

Oh crap, where do I come up with this stuff?

Is there just a huge repository in my brain where every inane thing I think lives? And why oh why can't I open that place up and let all the stupidness out all at one time and be done with it?

Is it the truth that I don't eat when I'm stressed? Sadly, yes.

When I'm under stress, eating feels like work, there is no joy in it, there is no taste in anything that goes into my mouth. Food becomes something I associate with pain and the thought of gorging on cookies is revolting. Unfortunately, the thought of eating anything isn't much better.  It's easier to not eat than to try to decide what to eat. Yes, I get hungry, but that's a good thing.

So then she's looking at me like I have sprouted horns and then asks exactly what DO I eat, in that tone that implies disapproval and I'm just sort of trying to back out of the conversation gracefully, but there IS no graceful exit then.

And I feel like I've lost emotional ground, again

Of course, this person is about 5'3" and weighs a buck ten at the most and she has simply no idea what it is like to be iin my body struggling with my weight issues. Oh sure, I bet she has her own problems, I'll give you that, but these are mine and they are important to me.

Dieting and exercise is hard, indeed, but what's harder is facing the reasons I got to where I am. I have my reasons, I know them well, I've faced them, confronted them and put them to be.  So why won't those dragons just stay slain?

Will food ever be just food?

in the meantime, is there anyway to explain to someone who has never been overweight a day in their lives why eating can be scary?  Probably not

Thoughts to take with me today:  This is a time to remember the good days. This is a time to  reflect and grow

A yoga sutra....

Sutra literally means "truth" and I truly learned one today.

I posted recently about a health scare I had and how I dealt with it.

I did:

meditate
pray
cry
lean on friends
read scriptures
breathe
exercise

I did not use the following crutches:

food
cigarettes
alcohol
medications

In fact, using those things never crossed my mind. It's not like I thought "Damn, I feel awful, this is so sad, I deserve a smoke, ice cream, chips, a bottle of wine, and an extra xanax." Nope, those thoughts never, ever even had to be dealt with, they didn't pop up.

So, I mention this to my trainer yesterday. Uhm, yeah...mistake. Want to guess what she went to immediately? 

"You smoke? You've never told me that. Don't you think you should have? I think I should have had that information."

I felt about THIS small!
Home, nursing a righteous sense of butt-hurt, reading my Yoga Sutras by Pantanjali  and I come to a passage about things that hold us back on our spiritual path - not necessarily sins or wrongs, but just things. Samaskaras, or impressions of wrong doing, hold us back as much as the thing itself. It's as if we've committed to doing right, but then we hold back a bit of longing for whatever hinders us; we look over our shoulder wishing we could go back for just a bit, but knowing we can't.

Then I got it.

Smoking is a samaskara and I encourage that by having my secret stashes - oh, I'm NOT going to use those stashes. Or am I? If not, then why are they there? What is my intention?

So I go to throw them out. First stash, gone. Second stash, gone. Third stash - hesitation. Now wait, this is a WHOLE UNOPENED pack, maybe I should keep this one, just in case...

Just in case...what?

Then I knew I was doing the right thing.

What other samaskaras lurk in my heart? What other changes have I made, but secretly wish I hadn't? What other small bits of regret have buried themselves deep down, so deep that maybe they only come up to the surface on occasion?

They need to be tossed out too.

What about you? Maybe smoking was never your issue, okay, that's good. But what was? What do you look back on with pleasure, mulling about how awesome of a time you had, and how sad it is that those times are gone?  That longing holds you back on your personal path. Pull those issues into the light of day, discard them, and move on.

You'll be happy you did.

Promise.


Thoughts to take with me today: 'I honor the place in you where your spirit dwells. If you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, then in that place, we are one.'

Namaste

I've been dreading this day...

Schools were closed today for weather.

Unlike  most people in the world, I'm not a fan of snow days. Nope, not at all. Don't get me wrong, I USED to love them. Not now.

Why?

The same reason I'm not overly crazy about weekends. I hate the loss of my schedule.

Nothing to do, too much pent up energy, watching the clock waiting until I at least have a fitness class to go to. Or something. Yes, I've already been to the gym for elliptical and ab work. But that was hours ago.

This is the side affect of the exercise program I choose to do - I absolutely cannot unwind - and it drives me mad.  Sitting and watching TV, reading a book, even poking around on the interwebs - no luck.

Cleaning? sadly, that can be done, but how many times can I sweep and mop the daggone floor?

Cooking? That's a weekend kind of thing. Hate to do it now and leave nothing for Sunday.

Shopping? Nope, no money

Solution? dunno - purely tapped out on that one.

Feels like a three class night coming on - 430 spin, 530 body sculpt, 6:30 spin.

Maybe tomorrow I'll be back on routine....until then, I'm going to need to find an answer before summer rolls around.

Thoughts to take with me today:  At least I can smile at myself for having this type of problem. All will be well, in time.

Definition of embarrassed...

Big cardio night...4:30 spin class, some ab work, running, 6:15 spin class. I've done this routine before. As long as I keep an eye on my sugars, and keep the snacks coming, it's an awesome time. Tons of endorphins, good calorie burn, one of my favorite nights!

After the 6:15 spin class tonight, someone made a comment to another person about food and calorie problems and we had a very brief discussion.  Yeah, I've had my share of issues, but not so much lately. I actually said the words, "Yep, I'm so glad those days are behind me. I'm pretty much in control of my diet now. Very solid."

I'm a type 2 diabetic....what do you think my blood sugar did about 90 seconds later? Yep....down, down, down.

And I'm down, down, down..... on the floor. Been a long time since this has happened. Luckily it happened at a safe place and juice was on the way. Take my sugar - 68 - which is low, but not horrible, it's been worse. Drink my juice, just kind of hang out, on the floor. Of course at that EXACT moment, my doctor walks by on her way to exercise.

"Hey" she says, "How you doing?"
"Oh fine."
"Really? You're sitting on the floor with a container of juice next to you. That doesn't look fine."
"Uhm, yeah..." awkward silence.  "Blood sugar slipped a bit. All good"
"Well, I'm in here if you need me."

**sigh**

Do I need any more reminders of the great truth in life, "Pride goes before a fall?"

One freaking snack short.
This of course means that a morning workout is out of the question. Unless I want to see if I can trigger this to happen again, I'm going to need 18 - 24 hours of rest and quiet.  Thank goodness I didn't push it even further and enjoy a full blown crash. That's about a 36 hour reset.
As frustrated as I am though, in a way, it's okay. This is just another reminder to love the body I'm in and take care of it.  It's okay to work hard, but the machine has to be fueled. I'm not invincible, as much as I would love to think so.

So home to food. After a low episode like this, it's time to open and just let the food come in. Eggs, soup, bread, trail mix, peanut butter, crackers, bananas.  Calories be damned...time to eat! And there is the problem. The calories I just burned? I'm replacing every damn one of them and then some.

Is this smart?
Is this efficient?
Does this lead to a healthy body and lifestyle?

I think we all know that the answer is no.

**sigh**

It's times like this I struggle against every negative thought out there and I just have to punch through to the other side. It's just a thing.  Don't let one bad night take away all the progress of the past months.

Thoughts to take with me today: It's gonna be okay. Promise.

Tired..

This weight loss journey has been long and hard and I'm officially tired. Just down to the bone tired.

I had several people warn me months ago about 'burning the candle at both ends' to which I said, "Well, it's a pretty big candle." and it was, but it's not now.

The two and three a day work outs, the repeated days of eating 1000 calories while burning 1500 or more, the stressing out about every fraction of a pound, the 3 - 4 weeks of no breaks, have all taken their toll. Yes, I've pretty much stopped all of those things, but the damage is more than done.

I've lost a lot of  pounds - 55 of that since July 1st - out of the 110 I want to lose which leaves me with about 45 to go.  But 45 pounds is a lot of weight still and I no longer have those deep fat stores to burn off. Now we are getting to that deeper, more internal fat. The stuff that so genuinally wants to stay with me forever. In other words, it's gotten hard.

I can add up the positives all day long - the smaller clothes sizes, the wonderful feeling of my body moving through space, the pride in watching muscles develop all day long. I know all of those positives. But they came at a price.

Endorphins no longer roar through my body after a hard workout. Just the opposite.  I so miss those endorphins. They were like little friends that kept me company for hours.

Solution? Not sure other than to keep all the positives right in front of me and keep putting one foot in front of the other and never, ever giving up.

Thoughts to take with me today: I guess this is where the woman in me breaks out and puts on her big girl panties and just works through this shit.

Peaceful thoughts, peaceful words, peaceful heart

I was going to write about my weight loss, which is a big deal, especially since I dropped under the 190 mark (YES!) but as life would have it, another thought overshadowed the physical.


At the end of one of my yoga classes, we typically repeat the words "And may I have  peaceful thoughts, peaceful words, and a peaceful heart." For some reason this morning those words especially resonated with me and when I finished my meditation, I set that as my goal for the day.


In one of my recent yoga readings there was a passage about setting intentions and then being ready for those intentions to be challenged. Sure enough, within about 10 minutes of setting my intentions for the day, I'm challenged by text messages, phone calls, people on MY ellipitical at the gym, rain, a sick Jessica upstairs coughing her poor head off, and a ton of errands to accomplish. 


The peaceful actions and words are not that hard to pull off in the short term, but the peaceful heart? The one that no one can see but me? Ah, that can be tricky. 


Another reading from this morning talked about accomplishing the little things - and how the ego doesn't want to jump over creeks and small pebbles - nope... the ego wants to leap over mountains and raging rivers. But it's the mastering the little obstacles that prepare us for the larger ones.


So my goal for the day is a good one, especially since I'm not challenged by a huge obstacle, but little ones.  Yes, it's raining, and I need to face the traffic and lines to return a pair of shoes. Yes, I need to add soup-making to my list for my kid. Yes, I need to mail packages. But, I have a car, the ability to make soup, and friends to send those packages to. That's the good stuff. The rest is just chatter.


Thoughts to take with me today:  Let me approach each pebble with grace and a loving spirit so that when the boulders roll in, I've had some practice.

Breathe

“Breathe, just breathe.”

Someone seems to end up telling me this  multiple times a day as my daughter’s wedding draws to just a week away now. I think they notice the frantic look around the eyes and want to do something, anything to help.

Yes, breathe – the absolute best advice I could be given right now. The funny part is that most people giving me this excellent guidance have little idea of what they are actually saying to me. Reminding me to breathe is reminding me to take in the wonderful ‘prana’ or life energy around me while also enriching my blood stream with oxygen – a two-fer of good stuff. Reminding me to breathe is reminding me to offer myself a solid dose of comfort and strength. Reminding me to breathe is in effect saying “I love you; now, you love you.”

The ancient yogis must have understood the value of infusing the body with the breath – apparently even 2000 years ago life could be hectic. 21^st century American mothers of the bride have a single mind-set and life view that NOW is the most stressful time ever and no one has ever, EVER known the type of stress generated by phone calls, deadlines, vendors, caterers, and the bone chilling thought of “Did I remember to order tablecloths from the hall?” (answer - actually I did forget. Really.) I make lists and then master lists to organize the first lists and then fret over if I have included everything on some list, somewhere. After a while, the details take over until the big picture of the celebration for a pair of beautiful young people is lost, while I whirl from place to place with my lists trying to create perfection, instead of enjoying the perfection already there.

Breathe. 


If the breath is calm the emotions will be calm. If the emotions are calm, the actions will be calm. If the actions are calm, the results will be infused with love and light. A beautiful venue for any wedding.

Thoughts to take with me today: Breathe in, breathe out. Recharge. Enjoy the moment. 

And you might want to call about those tablecloths.