What's special on your plate?

One kind of cool thing about having a blog I'm finding is the more or less permanance of my thoughts. I'm 'searchable' now.

So, going back through some of my posts the other day I noticed a theme I was on for a while, but then backed away from.

In light of the upcoming holidays,  I think it's time to revisit the concept of...

                                                               MODERATION

Had an awesome conversation with someone from my gym recently about food, weight gain, holidays, and the interconnectedness of it all. She had a great point. "EAT what is special, leave the day-to-day stuff to the side." Love it!  In my case, I never ever get cranberry sauce or dressing, but oh my do I love the combination of turkey, cranberry sauce, and dressing sandwiches. I mean, just roll-in-it-good-food! My favorite.

All righty then. So with my friend's thoughts in mind, why not forgo the mashed potatoes and gravy, rolls and bread, which I'm not that crazy about any way, and double down on the stuff that makes me smile AND is a true treat.

I like this plan... a whole lot.

The upside of this is that my weight stays more in control and my diet stays balanced. I look at my plate with thankfulness instead of guilt; I eat because the food pleases me; I ENJOY the meal and the family that is at the table.

That my friends, is the way to go.

We all have special foods that evoke sweet memories; instead of denying those feelings, embrace them and feel good about creating new ones.

Just don't go crazy :)

Mad love for all you - have a splendid Thanksgiving.

Thoughts to take with me today: Look at food with kindness; let it nourish and heal.

I Can Be Me NOW

I didn't get to 50 without baggage.

I got to 50 laden down with the goals and dreams of other people that I claimed as my own. From life changing decisions all the way down to every day stuff - almost every move was checked, okayed, and approved by someone else.

I got to 50 laden down with the expectations of society. I was fat, therefore, I needed to act "fat." Big movements and loud voice, intense, and yes, God help me,  'jolly.'

I got to 50 laden down.

Still asking for the approval of others. I made small changes in my diet and exercise, but always with a watchful eye for those affirming nods to continue tentatively on my path. Always.

As my weight dropped, my confidence grew. My self-image shifted to looking at myself in a negative light to a positive one and I began to see what I could do, instead of what I was always told I couldn't do.

Finally, I had to take all the old beliefs from the past and put them side to side with the facts of today. No one has to tell me I can do these things. I watch myself do them.

If I'm so clumsy....how come I can do side to side grapevines, agility drills, and balance?

If I'm so lazy....how come I can cycle, elliptical, or row up to an hour at a time?

If I'm so weak....how come I can chest press over 100 pounds?

If I'm so stiff....how come I can do a backbend?

If I'm so loud and brash....how come I can go into stillness on my mat?

Maybe, just maybe, it's because all of those things were true of the old me, not the new me

I can be me NOW

And if I can be me, then the burdens of 50 years need to be set down, put aside, just let go.

I can move in space in this body, not trying to find the old body and move like that person.

I can decide my own goals, without fretting that someone will think I'm too old or too fat

I can use my voice to quietly say what I like/don't like and not worry that the other person will be upset.

I don't have to always move, I can be still.

All of these things are the new me. And whether anyone else in the whole world agrees,

I like me.

51 soon. Without the baggage of the past, without needing the approval of others, with my own goals.

Just me.

Not good, not bad

Just me.

Thoughts to take with me today: Did I just take yoga off my mat and into my real life? Yup. Sure did.



She let go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. 

She let go of the judgments. 

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.

She let go of the committee of indecision within her. 

She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry

She just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice. 

She didn’t read a book on how to let go. 

She didn’t search the scriptures.

She just let go. 

She let go of all of the memories that held her back. 

She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. 

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go.

She didn’t journal about it. 

She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. 

She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. 

She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. 

She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.

She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. 

She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.

She didn’t call the prayer line. 

She didn’t utter one word. 

She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. 

There was no applause or congratulations. 

No one thanked her or praised her.

No one noticed a thing. 

Like a leaf falling from a tree

She just let go.

There was no effort. 

There was no struggle.

It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. 

It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. 

A small smile came over her face. 

A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

-----Rev. Safire Rose

How do I celebrate a yoga 'victory'?

For over a year I've been wanting to do a certain yoga move - Salamba Sirsasana - supported headstand. This move more than any other represents yoga to me, in every possible way. It's beautiful to look at, and I was sure it would be beautiful to do.

However, at first, I approached this move with the mindset "I WILL CONQUER YOU!"  Once again, I'm lucky I didn't hurt myself much worse than I did - as I mentioned back in February and then again in May.

Truly, I learned my lesson and decided to take it slowly, allow my body to adjust to each step, and to be happy where I was at that moment.

Here is my journey, as documented in pictures!  Yes, it is me in each picture, and in each pose, that is just as far as I can go on that day.

(3/12)  Partial weight on shoulders

(5/12) Full weight on shoulders, knees pulled up

(7/12) Full weight on shoulders, knees parallel to the floor

(8/12) Full weight on shoulders, legs as far up as they will go and still balance.

(9/12) Up, but barely balanced

(10/12) Balanced, still, toes spread. Full expression of the pose

So, is it everything I thought it would be back in February? Yes and no. The first time I actually achieved the pose, I didn't even notice for about 45 seconds. But it was a slice of heaven. The world around settled into the background, my breath came in long, slow waves, and I actually went into a semi-meditative state. But not a "HOORAY!" moment at all.

What I'm most proud about is not the pose itself, but that it developed slowly - at my inner teacher's speed, not my inner drill sergeant's speed. Such a difference.

I learned so much about myself by learning how to do this pose in this way.  

I discovered I can be:

patient

loving

kind

gentle

to myself.

That's a good thing. So very, very good. 

Why not apply this to my whole life?  What would that look like? 

What if I were:  

 patient with my weight loss

 loving when it's time to fuel the body 

kind when I make yet another mistake 

gentle when I'm tired.

to myself. 

Just do it. And then find the peace that comes every day by being in the moment.

 Namaste.

Thoughts to take with me today: Yoga = life, every time.

We are all fearfully and wonderfully made

Ages ago I remarked that ordinary people say extraordinary things all the time - if you are willing to just listen.

I found that to be true again today.

Invisible Me on the blog Poonapalooza is a 'new-to-me' blog that I find utterly wonderful. She describes how she felt 'invisible' her whole life, regardless of the fact she was overweight. Yet, she could be quite vocal when she needed to advocate for someone else.

See myself in that? Sure do.

At my heaviest, I was 258 pounds and although I was able to stand up for my students, standing up for myself was out of the question.  My self-esteem was so fragile that the idea of making someone mad at me was the source of tremendous anxiety. If I made someone mad,  maybe

 they wouldn't like me any more
they wouldn't be my friend

they might leave me

Why?

Let's get real

because I didn't think I was worthy of love

That same ol' bugaboo of self worth creeps back to the surface whispering sweet words of deception of how everyone in the world is more valuable than I am. Everyone. 

Food though....oh wow....food was always there and always non-judgemental. French fries don't give a shit how fat you are, they just want you to eat them in all their yummy, crispy goodness. With catsup. And mayonnaise. And tons and tons of salt.

What we love becomes what we are. True stuff.

Because food was my best friend, I became fat

Because I was fat, it was hard to move, and I moved even less
Because I couldn't do anything but sit and eat, I hated myself

Because I hated myself just a bit more every day, I turned to my best friend

Because food was my best friend, I became fatter

That's a tough cycle to break. It can be broken though - the exact same way it was created.

Check this...

If I consistently make wise food choices, my  body becomes healthier

Because I am healthy, I enjoy running and cycling and lifting

Because I spend so much time developing my body, I value me

Because I am valuable, I love myself.

Because I love myself, I make healthy food choices

That's a cycle I can support with my whole heart.



And back to my initial thought, because I am valuable, I no longer define myself by other's opinions and all of a sudden, those advocating skills can be used to protect me.

The cycle doesn't break easily, and as I've said before, it's always hard. Every damn day. Hard.  But now, I have a taste of the 'other side' of life. Not the thin side, but the SELF-WORTH side.

Dammit....

I WAS ALWAYS VALUABLE ... ALWAYS..,.

It's just now, I see it. Most importantly, I believe it.

What about you? Do you value yourself? If not? Why not? We are all fearfully and wonderfully made. We all have a Source that leads and guides and treasures every fiber of our being. All of us.

Including you my friend.

Thoughts to take with me today: Weight is a just a number; love is a gift I give myself.  Choose the gift, every day. Namaste



If you want to be great, act great

I’m reading an awesome book called Meditations from the Mat.  It’s a ‘daily reader’ based on the yoga sutras. Fascinating and stunning how often it perfectly aligns with what I’m thinking and feeling.

Today’s topic began with this line from a poem by 14th century poet  Hafez.

“What is the key to untie the knot of your mind’s sufferings?

Act great. My dear, always act great”

Act great – whether I’m energetic or tired

Act great – whether I’m sick or well

Act great – whether I’m upbeat or depressed.

Just do what needs to be done every day.

I’m convinced that my emotional health is made up of muscles just like the physical ones. When I reflect on how I've earned my muscles, it's pretty basic. I work out consistently, even when I'm tired, even when I'm overwhelmed, even when I just don't want to.  Now when there's an injury, that's a different story. On those days, I take it a bit easy and respect my body.

In the very same way, my spirit and heart need to be exercised and made stronger also. When my day gets off track with my plans not going the way I want, that's the time to buckle down and 'be great' and not come unglued. (Oh wow...so easy to say, so hard to do. We all want perfection, all the time.) But maybe the key is to make a choice to be consistent and choose to be even-keeled, even when it's hard.

Sometimes though, things are just going to legitimately rock my world. That's when I need to step back for restorative time - with books, music, and food that uplifts and heals. In other words, respect my heart.

And what is the reward?  The 'untieing of my mind's suffering.' Relaxation. Acceptance. Peace. 

What more could anyone want? 

Thoughts to take with me today: Work those emotional muscles too; act great, be great.

I'm too busy...really?

Each day seems to be endless in its demands - my 'to do' list seems to grow with the minutia of life. A friend asked me recently if I could get a mani/pedi with her soon and my mind instantly shot to my mental calender where all my activities are planned out in 15 minute increments and wondered where I could find a spare hour to be with her.

It's not looking real good to be honest.

Then I started thinking (which is what I seem to do best some days.)  Every morning my feet swing around from the bed and the treadmill of my day begins. God forbid something get in the way, a glitch in the schedule, or an extra demand on my time. That's a near catastrophe! Heads will roll!

Each day stretches out with some measure of anxiety and worry in "Can I really get all this done?"

The days seem to be so long.

The years though, especially those behind me seem to have gone by in a blink. It's amazing to think that a year ago I weighed over 200 pounds and that really, really one-day-at-a-time, one-step-at-a-time the weight came off. It just doesn't feel possible.

I know how it happened though; it happened by pushing aside that little voice that said, "you're too busy to eat right, you're too busy to work out, you're too busy to keep track of your calories,"  and just did it.

While my schedule is packed to the gills now, that's not a new situation from five years ago. I was just as busy then, and five years from now, God willing, I'll be just as packed with a variety of things that just need to be done.

The, 'I'm too busy,' mantra needs to be set aside in favor of another thought, "If it is important, I will find the time." And what is important? My family, my friends, my diet/exercise- those are all huge priorities - and vital to a healthy 'me'

I'm thinking I do indeed have time to spend with her.  Something minor will have to give and I'll bet in the long run, I'll not even notice that a small, trivial matter wasn't attended to. I'll also bet that in the long run, the experience with someone I deeply love will sustain me through that day, giving me strength for the next.

Thoughts to take with me: May I never overvalue activities and undervalue people.