I didn't get to 50 without baggage.
I got to 50 laden down with the goals and dreams of other people that I claimed as my own. From life changing decisions all the way down to every day stuff - almost every move was checked, okayed, and approved by someone else.
I got to 50 laden down with the expectations of society. I was fat, therefore, I needed to act "fat." Big movements and loud voice, intense, and yes, God help me, 'jolly.'
I got to 50 laden down.
Still asking for the approval of others. I made small changes in my diet and exercise, but always with a watchful eye for those affirming nods to continue tentatively on my path. Always.
As my weight dropped, my confidence grew. My self-image shifted to looking at myself in a negative light to a positive one and I began to see what I could do, instead of what I was always told I couldn't do.
Finally, I had to take all the old beliefs from the past and put them side to side with the facts of today. No one has to tell me I can do these things. I watch myself do them.
If I'm so clumsy....how come I can do side to side grapevines, agility drills, and balance?
If I'm so lazy....how come I can cycle, elliptical, or row up to an hour at a time?
If I'm so weak....how come I can chest press over 100 pounds?
If I'm so stiff....how come I can do a backbend?
If I'm so loud and brash....how come I can go into stillness on my mat?
Maybe, just maybe, it's because all of those things were true of the old me, not the new me
I can be me NOW
And if I can be me, then the burdens of 50 years need to be set down, put aside, just let go.
I can move in space in this body, not trying to find the old body and move like that person.
I can decide my own goals, without fretting that someone will think I'm too old or too fat
I can use my voice to quietly say what I like/don't like and not worry that the other person will be upset.
I don't have to always move, I can be still.
All of these things are the new me. And whether anyone else in the whole world agrees,
I like me.
51 soon. Without the baggage of the past, without needing the approval of others, with my own goals.
Not good, not bad
Thoughts to take with me today: Did I just take yoga off my mat and into my real life? Yup. Sure did.