Thursday, November 8, 2012

I Can Be Me NOW

I didn't get to 50 without baggage.

I got to 50 laden down with the goals and dreams of other people that I claimed as my own. From life changing decisions all the way down to every day stuff - almost every move was checked, okayed, and approved by someone else.

I got to 50 laden down with the expectations of society. I was fat, therefore, I needed to act "fat." Big movements and loud voice, intense, and yes, God help me,  'jolly.'

I got to 50 laden down.

Still asking for the approval of others. I made small changes in my diet and exercise, but always with a watchful eye for those affirming nods to continue tentatively on my path. Always.

As my weight dropped, my confidence grew. My self-image shifted to looking at myself in a negative light to a positive one and I began to see what I could do, instead of what I was always told I couldn't do.

Finally, I had to take all the old beliefs from the past and put them side to side with the facts of today. No one has to tell me I can do these things. I watch myself do them.

If I'm so come I can do side to side grapevines, agility drills, and balance?
If I'm so come I can cycle, elliptical, or row up to an hour at a time?
If I'm so come I can chest press over 100 pounds?
If I'm so come I can do a backbend?
If I'm so loud and come I can go into stillness on my mat?

Maybe, just maybe, it's because all of those things were true of the old me, not the new me

I can be me NOW

And if I can be me, then the burdens of 50 years need to be set down, put aside, just let go.

I can move in space in this body, not trying to find the old body and move like that person.
I can decide my own goals, without fretting that someone will think I'm too old or too fat
I can use my voice to quietly say what I like/don't like and not worry that the other person will be upset.
I don't have to always move, I can be still.

All of these things are the new me. And whether anyone else in the whole world agrees,
I like me.

51 soon. Without the baggage of the past, without needing the approval of others, with my own goals.

Just me.
Not good, not bad
Just me.

Thoughts to take with me today: Did I just take yoga off my mat and into my real life? Yup. Sure did.

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