Mirrors..

I have avoided mirrors for years.  The exception is during some work outs. For static poses, I'll look to check my shoulders and legs for alignment.  In those cases,  the mirror becomes a tool and I can pretty much look at the reflection with a non-biased, non-judgmental eye. It's not a loooong look, mind you.

But to just look, look? Nah, that's not happening....

This morning I’m at the gym in one of the studios and as I’m walking across the floor past the mirror, I could have sworn there was someone else in the room with me. I whirled back and looked over my shoulder to see who had joined me, but there was no one there. Kind of confused, I kept glancing around and then realized what I had seen was my reflection. For a moment, I didn’t recognize the person in the mirror – that the athletically built, compact person with the crazy curly hair in a pony tail – was ME.

I slid my eyes away as I always do, then something inside grabbed me and said “LOOK! Just look at yourself!” and I did.

Then it hit me – for years and years I avoided mirrors because the reflection didn’t match how I saw myself.   It became easier to stay away from pictures and mirrors and live in a land of denial. Now, when I look in the mirror, I just don’t accept what I see - as in "that can’t possibly be me." This morning, for the first time, I let myself believe that I am thin, I am strong, the mirror is not lying.

Never before have I acknowledged that what I see is good, not improving, not ‘getting there,’ but good.  

The thing is, this new body didn't happen overnight, it happened months ago, I just didn't see it, because I refused to be kind enough to myself to acknowledge the change.  That's wrong. Just wrong. What the hell is so messed up with me that I can't show kindness to the body that has worked so damn hard for months? Why do I insist on continuing negative thoughts?  This has to stop. Kindness has to start - somewhere, sometime. Why not now?

I’m not fat any more. ßand even in typing that sentence, there is a part deep inside that whispers with a ‘Yes, yes you are.’ My gut tightens with disagreement and disapproval and disbelief and fights to hold on to familiar patterns of thinking.

That’s the part of me that lives in the past and refuses to come to the now. That’s the part of me where the voices live. That’s the part of me still to grow and bloom.

It's a smaller part than before, and getting smaller every day.

And that’s progress.

I'll take it.

Thoughts to take with me today: Believe and accept. Good comes in time. Be kind.