In which the truth comes out ungracefully

Did/Said something so dumb tonight. 

Someone made a comment about eating to me - to 'be careful with my food choices - don't go crazy with the cookies." (where that thought came from I have NO idea) and I kind of looked at her and I promise you i thought for a moment 'Are you freaking nuts?  Me eat cookies??" but what I said was ....."Uh, I don't eat anything really. When I'm stressed like I am right now, my comfort food is to eat no food because I don't trust myself to eat." 

Oh crap, where do I come up with this stuff?

Is there just a huge repository in my brain where every inane thing I think lives? And why oh why can't I open that place up and let all the stupidness out all at one time and be done with it?

Is it the truth that I don't eat when I'm stressed? Sadly, yes.

When I'm under stress, eating feels like work, there is no joy in it, there is no taste in anything that goes into my mouth. Food becomes something I associate with pain and the thought of gorging on cookies is revolting. Unfortunately, the thought of eating anything isn't much better.  It's easier to not eat than to try to decide what to eat. Yes, I get hungry, but that's a good thing.

So then she's looking at me like I have sprouted horns and then asks exactly what DO I eat, in that tone that implies disapproval and I'm just sort of trying to back out of the conversation gracefully, but there IS no graceful exit then.

And I feel like I've lost emotional ground, again

Of course, this person is about 5'3" and weighs a buck ten at the most and she has simply no idea what it is like to be iin my body struggling with my weight issues. Oh sure, I bet she has her own problems, I'll give you that, but these are mine and they are important to me.

Dieting and exercise is hard, indeed, but what's harder is facing the reasons I got to where I am. I have my reasons, I know them well, I've faced them, confronted them and put them to be.  So why won't those dragons just stay slain?

Will food ever be just food?

in the meantime, is there anyway to explain to someone who has never been overweight a day in their lives why eating can be scary?  Probably not

Thoughts to take with me today:  This is a time to remember the good days. This is a time to  reflect and grow