She let go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. 

She let go of the judgments. 

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.

She let go of the committee of indecision within her. 

She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry

She just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice. 

She didn’t read a book on how to let go. 

She didn’t search the scriptures.

She just let go. 

She let go of all of the memories that held her back. 

She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. 

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go.

She didn’t journal about it. 

She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. 

She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. 

She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. 

She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.

She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. 

She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.

She didn’t call the prayer line. 

She didn’t utter one word. 

She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. 

There was no applause or congratulations. 

No one thanked her or praised her.

No one noticed a thing. 

Like a leaf falling from a tree

She just let go.

There was no effort. 

There was no struggle.

It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. 

It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. 

A small smile came over her face. 

A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

-----Rev. Safire Rose

How do I celebrate a yoga 'victory'?

For over a year I've been wanting to do a certain yoga move - Salamba Sirsasana - supported headstand. This move more than any other represents yoga to me, in every possible way. It's beautiful to look at, and I was sure it would be beautiful to do.

However, at first, I approached this move with the mindset "I WILL CONQUER YOU!"  Once again, I'm lucky I didn't hurt myself much worse than I did - as I mentioned back in February and then again in May.

Truly, I learned my lesson and decided to take it slowly, allow my body to adjust to each step, and to be happy where I was at that moment.

Here is my journey, as documented in pictures!  Yes, it is me in each picture, and in each pose, that is just as far as I can go on that day.

(3/12)  Partial weight on shoulders

(5/12) Full weight on shoulders, knees pulled up

(7/12) Full weight on shoulders, knees parallel to the floor

(8/12) Full weight on shoulders, legs as far up as they will go and still balance.

(9/12) Up, but barely balanced

(10/12) Balanced, still, toes spread. Full expression of the pose

So, is it everything I thought it would be back in February? Yes and no. The first time I actually achieved the pose, I didn't even notice for about 45 seconds. But it was a slice of heaven. The world around settled into the background, my breath came in long, slow waves, and I actually went into a semi-meditative state. But not a "HOORAY!" moment at all.

What I'm most proud about is not the pose itself, but that it developed slowly - at my inner teacher's speed, not my inner drill sergeant's speed. Such a difference.

I learned so much about myself by learning how to do this pose in this way.  

I discovered I can be:

patient

loving

kind

gentle

to myself.

That's a good thing. So very, very good. 

Why not apply this to my whole life?  What would that look like? 

What if I were:  

 patient with my weight loss

 loving when it's time to fuel the body 

kind when I make yet another mistake 

gentle when I'm tired.

to myself. 

Just do it. And then find the peace that comes every day by being in the moment.

 Namaste.

Thoughts to take with me today: Yoga = life, every time.

We are all fearfully and wonderfully made

Ages ago I remarked that ordinary people say extraordinary things all the time - if you are willing to just listen.

I found that to be true again today.

Invisible Me on the blog Poonapalooza is a 'new-to-me' blog that I find utterly wonderful. She describes how she felt 'invisible' her whole life, regardless of the fact she was overweight. Yet, she could be quite vocal when she needed to advocate for someone else.

See myself in that? Sure do.

At my heaviest, I was 258 pounds and although I was able to stand up for my students, standing up for myself was out of the question.  My self-esteem was so fragile that the idea of making someone mad at me was the source of tremendous anxiety. If I made someone mad,  maybe

 they wouldn't like me any more
they wouldn't be my friend

they might leave me

Why?

Let's get real

because I didn't think I was worthy of love

That same ol' bugaboo of self worth creeps back to the surface whispering sweet words of deception of how everyone in the world is more valuable than I am. Everyone. 

Food though....oh wow....food was always there and always non-judgemental. French fries don't give a shit how fat you are, they just want you to eat them in all their yummy, crispy goodness. With catsup. And mayonnaise. And tons and tons of salt.

What we love becomes what we are. True stuff.

Because food was my best friend, I became fat

Because I was fat, it was hard to move, and I moved even less
Because I couldn't do anything but sit and eat, I hated myself

Because I hated myself just a bit more every day, I turned to my best friend

Because food was my best friend, I became fatter

That's a tough cycle to break. It can be broken though - the exact same way it was created.

Check this...

If I consistently make wise food choices, my  body becomes healthier

Because I am healthy, I enjoy running and cycling and lifting

Because I spend so much time developing my body, I value me

Because I am valuable, I love myself.

Because I love myself, I make healthy food choices

That's a cycle I can support with my whole heart.



And back to my initial thought, because I am valuable, I no longer define myself by other's opinions and all of a sudden, those advocating skills can be used to protect me.

The cycle doesn't break easily, and as I've said before, it's always hard. Every damn day. Hard.  But now, I have a taste of the 'other side' of life. Not the thin side, but the SELF-WORTH side.

Dammit....

I WAS ALWAYS VALUABLE ... ALWAYS..,.

It's just now, I see it. Most importantly, I believe it.

What about you? Do you value yourself? If not? Why not? We are all fearfully and wonderfully made. We all have a Source that leads and guides and treasures every fiber of our being. All of us.

Including you my friend.

Thoughts to take with me today: Weight is a just a number; love is a gift I give myself.  Choose the gift, every day. Namaste



If you want to be great, act great

I’m reading an awesome book called Meditations from the Mat.  It’s a ‘daily reader’ based on the yoga sutras. Fascinating and stunning how often it perfectly aligns with what I’m thinking and feeling.

Today’s topic began with this line from a poem by 14th century poet  Hafez.

“What is the key to untie the knot of your mind’s sufferings?

Act great. My dear, always act great”

Act great – whether I’m energetic or tired

Act great – whether I’m sick or well

Act great – whether I’m upbeat or depressed.

Just do what needs to be done every day.

I’m convinced that my emotional health is made up of muscles just like the physical ones. When I reflect on how I've earned my muscles, it's pretty basic. I work out consistently, even when I'm tired, even when I'm overwhelmed, even when I just don't want to.  Now when there's an injury, that's a different story. On those days, I take it a bit easy and respect my body.

In the very same way, my spirit and heart need to be exercised and made stronger also. When my day gets off track with my plans not going the way I want, that's the time to buckle down and 'be great' and not come unglued. (Oh wow...so easy to say, so hard to do. We all want perfection, all the time.) But maybe the key is to make a choice to be consistent and choose to be even-keeled, even when it's hard.

Sometimes though, things are just going to legitimately rock my world. That's when I need to step back for restorative time - with books, music, and food that uplifts and heals. In other words, respect my heart.

And what is the reward?  The 'untieing of my mind's suffering.' Relaxation. Acceptance. Peace. 

What more could anyone want? 

Thoughts to take with me today: Work those emotional muscles too; act great, be great.

I'm too busy...really?

Each day seems to be endless in its demands - my 'to do' list seems to grow with the minutia of life. A friend asked me recently if I could get a mani/pedi with her soon and my mind instantly shot to my mental calender where all my activities are planned out in 15 minute increments and wondered where I could find a spare hour to be with her.

It's not looking real good to be honest.

Then I started thinking (which is what I seem to do best some days.)  Every morning my feet swing around from the bed and the treadmill of my day begins. God forbid something get in the way, a glitch in the schedule, or an extra demand on my time. That's a near catastrophe! Heads will roll!

Each day stretches out with some measure of anxiety and worry in "Can I really get all this done?"

The days seem to be so long.

The years though, especially those behind me seem to have gone by in a blink. It's amazing to think that a year ago I weighed over 200 pounds and that really, really one-day-at-a-time, one-step-at-a-time the weight came off. It just doesn't feel possible.

I know how it happened though; it happened by pushing aside that little voice that said, "you're too busy to eat right, you're too busy to work out, you're too busy to keep track of your calories,"  and just did it.

While my schedule is packed to the gills now, that's not a new situation from five years ago. I was just as busy then, and five years from now, God willing, I'll be just as packed with a variety of things that just need to be done.

The, 'I'm too busy,' mantra needs to be set aside in favor of another thought, "If it is important, I will find the time." And what is important? My family, my friends, my diet/exercise- those are all huge priorities - and vital to a healthy 'me'

I'm thinking I do indeed have time to spend with her.  Something minor will have to give and I'll bet in the long run, I'll not even notice that a small, trivial matter wasn't attended to. I'll also bet that in the long run, the experience with someone I deeply love will sustain me through that day, giving me strength for the next.

Thoughts to take with me: May I never overvalue activities and undervalue people.

Choices

Wednesday’s are generally somewhat darker emotional days for me. I’m physically tired from hard training the day before, generally pretty sore and when I’m that exhausted and hurting, it’s hard to keep a leash on my thoughts. However, that’s not a completely negative thing. When my thoughts go a-wandering, they go places – places that might just need to be explored.

On my way home yesterday, yes, blue funk and all, I started thinking about a friend who recently went back on Lexapro. Lexapro is a great med for anti-depression and anxiety – on me though, it WILL cause weight gain.  Even as it regulates my moods and keeps me a bit more stable, yeah, the weight shoots up quickly.

The thought occurred me: “I wish I didn’t have these ups and downs. I wish I could go back on Lexapro. Yes, I’d gain back some weight, but really, who cares? 20, 25, 30 pounds. Eh. At least I’d enjoy the trip back up.”

Wait....

Where in the hell did my thoughts just go? Who cares?!? Only the most important person in my life – ME! I’d care. I'd care a whole lot! 20 pounds is almost 6 months of work. How could I be so casual about that?

Then the second part of my thought slammed into me, “At least I’d enjoy the trip back up.”  Does that mean I’m not enjoying the trip down? Or does it mean something darker? A thought lurking in the back corner? A secret wish?

Yeah,  I think there's something there actually. A dark place that needs some light before it's allowed to grow.

I'm pushing in on losing 100 pounds. That's a whole lot of weight and a whole lot of work.80 – 95% of people who lose that much weight regain it. Plus some extra.

I get it now.  I totally get it.

A flash of insight hit me right there in my car, while driving down Rte 17. I know how I could regain all of my weight and then some. It could completely happen. One pound at a time.

In a way, it’s easy to be fat, and in some ways, it’s not so bad. Being fat gives me a ready excuse for everything.

Someone doesn’t call me back? It’s my weight.

I don’t get a job I wanted? It’s my weight.

I screw up? It’s my weight.

Every possible bad thing in my life could be pinned to my weight. And when that happens, *I* don’t have to take responsibility for my actions. *I* get to whine and moan and complain, but I don’t have to change.  Now, with the weight down to what is a normal level, anything that I do wrong is on me. Just me. Not my weight, not my size, me. Now I have to change.

That’s hard. Do.Not.Want.

Now I know the truth. If and when I decide to start eating cheeseburgers and French fries and chips and sweets, I will have to admit I do it with full knowledge I am CHOOSING to regain weight. It’s not ‘out of my control’ or ‘my metabolism’ or ‘my genetics.’  Nope. It would be a conscious choice.

I’ve long established that moderation is not my strength – I cannot eat ‘just one’ of most things.  There is no need to pick up the first cheeseburger, the first fry, the first chocolate bar. Because right behind the first will be a second, a third, a fourth, and so on. Probably not right away, but it will come. I know me too well. It will come.

I cannot lose 100 pounds without first losing 5, or 10, or 20.

I cannot regain 100 pounds without first regaining 5, or 10, or 20.

That’s a hard fact of life. But it’s the truth. And truth is better than any platitude, any cliché, any feel-good-ism. The truth is what I need, always.

So that’s the upside of letting my thoughts wander much like a naughty child exploring an abandoned cave. When the parent goes in for a rescue, sometimes, discoveries are made and mysteries are solved.

Thoughts to take with me today: Choices – I choose to be healthy. I choose to eat right. I choose this life. I choose joy.

Food

I didn't get to 258 pounds by having a healthy relationship with food.

Go figure

Two years ago, my typical evening meal was a cheeseburger with french fries. If I was feeling especially healthy, it would be a salad. With cheese. And bacon. Topped with high-fat dressing. And fried onion strips.

Looking back, the cheeseburger may have actually been better.

Then, I started on a weight loss journey and at the age of 49, I had to re-learn how to eat a balanced diet - no tricks, no gimmicks. Back to the basics with of the four food groups. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, two snacks.

Boring, I know. None of the 'wow' factor of so many of the fads out there.

Not satisfied with the basics, I decided to get creative. What if I pushed all of my meals into the front of the day? What about cutting calories down to 1400? and if 1400 is good, why not 1200? or 1000? or 700? Maybe just fast for a day or two? Or, decide that certain foods are okay to eat and eat only those. Then, start taking things off that list, until the number of safe foods dwindles down to 7 - and 2 of those are looking iffy.

Oh,  yeah, totally don't worry about that diabetes issue.

That whole experience didn't work out so well. The over-thinking, the constant analysis, and second guessing may have created the beginnings of an eating disorder.

Something snapped into place in the beginning of the summer. I realized I'd gone pretty far from the advice of every expert out there, and started adding back foods and calories. Slowly, incrementally, mindfully. Even though a part of my mind screamed "NO! you will gain back weight!! DON'T DO IT!" I took a leap of faith and added until now, my diet is fairly normal, and my attitude towards food healthy.

Or so I thought. Until this week.

A grown woman should not be standing in a quiet corner trying to get control of her breathing when in an unfamiliar restaurant because she is overwhelmed with too many choices.

Yep, nearly full blown anxiety/panic attack because I couldn't decide what to eat. The prevailing thought was, "What was safe?"

The 'beginnings' of an eating disorder? Really? The beginning?

Oh wow. This is hard. Hard to eat right, hard to remember the basics, hard to make good choices one after another, hard to let myself live and not let the thoughts of food take over my life.

I completely understand why people lose a lot of weight, then regain it. It's the mind games. It's the thinking that the ways that got us here were temporary, and not accepting that the entire process is a journey, not a race. Accepting that eating healthy is the new normal. Accepting that there is just no need to look at the pizza, fries, blue cheese dressing, because those things are only healthy in moderation, and if you get to 250+ pounds, moderation is not a strength.

But hard is not a reason to stop. It is, however, a HUGE reminder to respect the progress already made and to take a deep breath when things get a little tense, and let the mind relax into what it knows is right.

The basics == good stuff.

Thoughts to take with me today: The words from one of my favorite songs..."Breathe, stretch, shake, let it go."