Choices...

It's been a year since I started my weight loss journey. Although I was a bit down from my very heaviest weight, in July of last year, I weighed 241. Today I weigh 165.  76 pounds just gone.

There is a measure of deep gratitude for those that helped me along this path, and a deep sense of debt that can never be repaid, except maybe, if I pay it forward. That's probably the only way to set that bill  to rights.

But choices....life is about choices.

I choose....

....to challenge myself physically instead of relying on excuses for inactivity

....to re-evaluate overuse and make changes that respect the body and the spirit

....to nurture the soul with yoga and meditation and writing

....to fuel my body with nutritious foods

....to say "no" to food as a comfort item

....to give up the crutches of cigarettes and prescription medications 

....to take risks and being okay when an attempted connection doesn't work

....to look out my window every morning and thank God for the gift of another day

....to breathe the outside air, listen to the sounds of nature, and feel the ground beneath my feet

....to reject childhood beliefs about my abilities

....to judge myself and others by actions, not by appearance

....to see the beauty in every smile

....to be unapologetically me 

Maybe the last one is the most important. I used to worry about how I came across to people and fret that I laughed too loud, or spoke without thinking, or any one of a thousand things that I watched myself do wrong. There were nights of sleepliness spent replaying an interaction and wishing I could have a 'redo.' It became easier to create a 'me' that others seemed to want and expect. But the energy required to maintain a false front is grueling.  Nowadays,  I'm really me and the best thing about being me is that I am more open to changing, because changing is part of a growth process, and not an indication that the persona has cracks and flaws and has therefore failed. 

My journey isn't over by a long shot -- still so many areas that need work. But now, there is a deeper sense of strength, a history of success, and tools to use for those days when even the air feels heavy on my shoulders.  I  hope that when I'm 90, there will still be ways to be just a bit better than the day before. That would be a true gift.

Respect the process my friends, let every good day build on another, use the bad ones as rest days, and mostly,  just love yourself. We are beautiful, and we always were.

Thoughts to take with me today:  Choose to dwell on the days filled with love and light. Those are the real deal.

A season of rest...

So today, I went to my first chakra class.

Chakras are energy centers in the body. There are seven of them, with one beginning at the base of the spine, then going up the body to the top one at the crown of the head.

Cool stuff, to be sure.

Part of the study is to examine how each individual is either strong or weak with each specific chakra and what strength and weakness looks like in each chakra.

For instance, if an individual is strong in the first chakra, they have great stability in how they view themselves and the world. If they are weak, then there is a lot of victimhood-ness, lethargy, and probably quite  bit of illness going on.

Like I said, cool stuff, and heavy stuff. So much to learn and know and benefit from.

But....

Is it okay to say that I'm tired of the relentless self-examination? I've spent the last year thinking, and praying, and writing about what I want to be, can I just sink into what I am now, and take a season of rest, a break from all the thinking?

I'd like to think I deserve a pause. Not a thought of  "okay, I'm perfect, I'll put a coat of varnish on me and call it good" but rather "I've worked hard to get here. How about a rest stop and a time to enjoy the view."

That would be heavenly

Just want to be

Happy

Pleased

Content

Lovely

Me

Thoughts to take with me today: It's all good. Breathe, love, live.

This feels like my last day of being a 'mom'

Let me explain....

I have two daughters, 22 and 25. Both my girls are wonderful people. I'm so proud to be their mom. Just as different as they can be - but in their hearts, they are truly good adults who will be a blessing to those they come in contact with.

My older daughter married last December and although she is living with me, it's definitely nowhere near the same as it was when she was young. She comes and goes on her own schedule, making plans with her husband (he is military and is overseas for now) Sometimes I feel like I'm running a bed and breakfast where that one is concerned. Our relationship has definitely shifted to less of mom/daughter and more of two adults.

And then there is my younger. Who leaves. Tomorrow. For Medical School. In Atlanta. Ten hours away.

(The sound you hear is my heart sinking to the ground)

I know I will always be their mother, I get that, but it seems the last day of their childhood ends in about 24 hours. By this time tomorrow, my baby will have her own apartment, and will be beginning the next phase of her life. A phase that has hard work and excitement and fun.A phase where she turns into a grownup. A phase in which she can not be called anyone's 'baby.'

One door is opening and one door is closing, and I look back at that closed door and remember so many good times (isn't it funny how the bad times just sort of fade away?). There are flashes of images of Easter dresses and Christmas presents and summer vacations and sleepovers and snuggles and sloppy kisses and all the wonderful things that kids bring into our lives.

I admit, I cry a lot.

And wish....

 I had treasured their childhood more. 

I had been sillier with them.

 I had lived each moment with reckless amazement in their innocence

That this transition didn't hurt so much.

Thoughts to take with me today: Live, breathe, love, every stinkin' moment

New month, new plan

And we cycle back to the idea of food....

My exercise is pretty much under control, I have several things I do that I genuinely like and would miss if I didn't do them. Not to mention, there have been a couple of activities I've added for fun that I'm pretty happy about. But if I am honest with myself, my food is still an issue. I still don’t want to eat at night, still nervous about gaining any kind of weight from eating past three o’clock or so, still looking at food as something inherently bad.

Seems to me, the only way to do this is to face the demon head on.

So my goal this month is to eat a balanced diet of about 1700 calories or so a day, exercise, EAT dinner(!), and weigh every day so that I can prove to myself that my body will adjust and thrive this way.

I’m setting my intention that I can do this, and that I will be successful at getting over the last big hurdle of health – the ability to live my life not afraid of food and what it can do to me, but rather accepting that food has to be part of my life and I need to make peace with it.

That’s my goal - to be normal, or at least as close to normal as I can be.

I'm going out on a limb here  - the limb of trust that my trainer has been trying to beat into my head for months. I can eat and not be afraid. It's a big deal.

30 days...I'll keep track for 30 days and see how it goes.

Thoughts to take with me today: Food is not a friend or an enemy; food is fuel for everything the body is asked to do. Accept that.